I almost forgot I had this blog. It's actually been nearly a year since I've posted on here. It's not that I haven't been writing or documenting, I've simply diverted my attention to other outlets. A more personal journal is kept, and hopefully will never be exposed. A new space has been designed to record contents which are more relevant to my life.
Life has been good. 2014 went by like an arrow. I graduated. Now I'm soon to start work.
I had extreme anxiety over December and early January over searching for a job. Looking back, it really wasn't that bad and I am actually starting to get sad my 'holiday' is about to end. It's always funny how we always want what we can't have.
Recently I finally had enough courage to cut out the most toxic person in my life. It was at least 8 months of torture. Self-inflicted for the most of it. Now that I welcome another source of worry into my life, I only have myself to blame when my mind starts racing.
More and more I understand myself. More and more I feel my values and beliefs grow. I'm fed up with living in a lie and living a life that's built on lies. This is all very fragile, and I know it will break any time soon. Expectations can hurt people, and mostly, it can really hurt yourself.
As I await the start of my professional life, I am once again navigating the rough waters of dating and relationships.
- Daniel
2015年2月3日 星期二
2014年3月24日 星期一
Never Good Enough?
Being caught between two cultures is definitely not an easy issue to deal with. I have been battling this for as long as I can remember. Growing up in a Western world and having to balance my Eastern heritage has always been an arduous task. I've tried to welcome it but sometimes it just gets too much.
I am a conventional but untraditional Asian Australian. I pride myself in retaining my Eastern heritage while growing up in this Western civilization. I've adopted many views from both cultures and I am a mixture of the two.
I get so very frustrated when my family tries to enforce their very traditional values onto me. It is simply unfair. However I also do understand where these values and opinions come from. However, when unjust comments are made, that is when I draw the line.
I don't think you took a hard look in the mirror have you? Do any of us do that actually? I am being bombarded by requests to do certain things because it is 'normal' in the Asian culture, but really, who defines normal? Recent words of my dear family members have traveled to my ears and I am hurt more than ever before.
Let me start by saying this. I am the best son you can ever ask for. I really am. I am not being arrogant but I know this myself. I don't like to play the blame game or play the victim, but if you're not going to watch what you're going to say or if you're going to push your values onto me, I will go there.
We all make choices in our life and our choices will inevitably affect those around us. I grew up in an unconventional Asian family. We supposedly take marriage seriously and divorce is a taboo in the culture. Guess what I went through though! That's right! Throughout this whole process, I've adopted the Western view where I treated it as if it was no biggie and never uttered a word of how I felt inside or how eaten up I was. I never forgave myself really, come to think of it now. I never forgave either of you either! I've just kept these feelings bottled up inside, deep down, somewhere deep inside. Now all this anger is making it resurface. I am slowly finding what you say recently the most ludicrous thing I have heard in a long time. Have you ever thought what you did to me? Have you ever thought of the effect of the childhood I went through? Why do you think I am the way I am now?
Let me just clarify a few things. You should be proud and stop fucking worrying. Why? Here's why.
Throughout all the mess. I have:
1. Come out the other end better than what you could EVER ask for.
2. Been a good son all along
3. Achieved the best I can and always have done the best I could.
4. Never ever once fallen to the dark side
5. Never ever hung out with the wrong people and taken drugs or joined gangs.
6. Never ever openly blame you or show you how broken and torn I am inside
7. Always walked in a straight line and never argued against you guys.
What more do you fucking want? I have been so independent and strong despite all the hell you have put me through. I know it will hurt you to know how broken I am inside so I hide it. I mask it. I put up this front. I try to always show the world how strong and happy I am and how this never affected me in no way. I did this not only for me but for you too. Do you even have any fucking idea?
All the bullshit I hear from you both lately is incredulous. Yes, it is your opinions and belief but how can people be so fucking narrow minded?
I am no longer your caged animal. I am no longer going to hold these feelings back. If you want to see the ugly me, I am happy to show you this disgustingly broken boy inside of me. If nothing I do is good enough, I will repay you with the same attitude.
We can start this today.
-Daniel
2014年3月15日 星期六
Here's Our Kodak Moment
As my final year passes by, my outlooks are becoming different. Emotions are unstable - happy days, exhausted days and depressed days seem to rotate throughout the week. We can never truly appreciate the things we have until we lose them - and this is the same with the people around you. My week in the hospital made me realise how much I want to work in a hospital and the irrational side of me came out and made a statement saying that I will not miss anyone in the cohort. This changed tonight. Seeing all these faces again has brought back so many memories. We aren’t just ‘classmates’. We survived all the past 4 years together. There are much more ups and downs.
Being my age - still very young - and being at where I am now is an interesting thing to witness and experience tonight. As a final year and senior student, you look at things differently. I may not have time to party every night, but I do make time to relax when I can. My career will involve me being sharp, alert and ready to go. I can’t afford to lose my senses. The students who are years below me are full of energy to party and mind you a lot of them are actually older than me. Have I simply lost that fun side of me?
Recently I am also discovering the mess I’ve made myself to be over the years. It isn’t just an overnight process. This has been going on for a long time. You push yourself into thinking you want something, then when you nearly have it you get scared and let go. I’ve always thought I was one to commit into a relationship yet recent events make me doubt this.
Our Kodak moment is coming my peers. We’ve made it this far and we just have another few months to go. I am sure this year will just fly by once again and before you know it we will all be walking up to that stage receiving our degree and our title of ‘Dr’. What happened to the last 5 years?! What really really really really happened? I really want to know. All I know is, I am preparing myself for the real world. For the, excuse the corny word, bright future ahead. As I count down the days I have left in this hell, I wonder… When did things change so much?
2013年12月25日 星期三
Chile. Argentina. Christmas.
After spending a Christmas in Taiwan and a few Christmas in Taiwan, never would I ever have thought I would be spending a Christmas in South America!
Yes, my dream is to spend a Christmas in America, but by that I mean United States. Possibly NYC. I guess I can write 'Spend Christmas in South America' on my bucket list and cross if off straight away!
Some people say everything happens for a reason. I don't always believe in this but this trip has made me very appreciative of my previous travel to South America. My previous trip had a 24 hour delay in Santiago de Chile. My friends and I subsequently walked around the city during the day and we were able to see snippets of this city. After that little quick tour, I decided I would like to come back and really explore it again. This visit to Santiago has forever made me fallen in love with the city. Santiago such an amazing city. It is well organized, yet you can see a very diverse and evidently very much divided by class. Chileans are not very friendly. They are very cold. Yet they are steamy in the parks - much because there isn't such a pressure to move out once you are over 18. Food here is great. Fruits here are cheap. It's simply an amazing city.
Buenos Aires, though, was much more disappointing. I think because I had a much higher expectation for this city, and my expectation was not met. My mother raved about this city. She said it was a city famous for many many things and they'd spent a great deal of time during high school reading about this city. Sure it is famous for being the origin of tango, but much of this has become a part of tourism. It's not that I don't like touristy things, I just cannot take it in large quantity. Our visit to La Boca was both enriching and disappointing. This area has become a popular tourist destination and has lost its original meaning and significance.
Our first day in Buenos Aires was not a good one. Something shady was going on and this left my brother and I very scared and concerned for our safety. However, everything changed over the next few days. We began to feel safer and much more secure. Buenos Aires is definitely a city worth visiting and it is full of things to do. However, Argentina as a whole is not so stable and it is evident throughout the streets and shops.
Finally, our final destination, Mendoza. Mendoza is by far my favourite city so far this trip. It is most likely because this is where I am 'based'. The wine here is superb - I am a red wine lover, and there's nowhere else to be but here to drink the best red wine. Most wine here are just so easy to drink and so smooth. Though much of this town has also been taken over by tourism, it still retains much of its original flavour on the streets. Siesta is still common here. I have finally gotten used to not being able to buy much or do much during 2~5. Eliminating my shirt tan has also been on my to do list and surprisingly is actually happening!
Christmas is probably one of the best time in the year. Although I come from an Asian family who doesn't really celebrate this day, I have fallen in love with this day over the years. It is just such a festive season and the endless stream of happiness during this period is phenomenal. This year I am spending it with 5 other Australian - 1 of which is my brother. It is a very different Christmas than those that I'm used to, but it is an experience. I wish more than anything else to be with my friends and family (friends more than family haha), but I'm just taking it all in. I am in South America!!!
I have no idea what has gotten into me but I just have this urge to go back to Taiwan. However, I am coming to terms with the limited possibility of going the coming year, and also the years after.
Youth is a beautiful thing but can be hard to work around.
Well. Merry Christmas from Argentina!
Feliz Navidad!
-Daniel
Yes, my dream is to spend a Christmas in America, but by that I mean United States. Possibly NYC. I guess I can write 'Spend Christmas in South America' on my bucket list and cross if off straight away!
Some people say everything happens for a reason. I don't always believe in this but this trip has made me very appreciative of my previous travel to South America. My previous trip had a 24 hour delay in Santiago de Chile. My friends and I subsequently walked around the city during the day and we were able to see snippets of this city. After that little quick tour, I decided I would like to come back and really explore it again. This visit to Santiago has forever made me fallen in love with the city. Santiago such an amazing city. It is well organized, yet you can see a very diverse and evidently very much divided by class. Chileans are not very friendly. They are very cold. Yet they are steamy in the parks - much because there isn't such a pressure to move out once you are over 18. Food here is great. Fruits here are cheap. It's simply an amazing city.
Buenos Aires, though, was much more disappointing. I think because I had a much higher expectation for this city, and my expectation was not met. My mother raved about this city. She said it was a city famous for many many things and they'd spent a great deal of time during high school reading about this city. Sure it is famous for being the origin of tango, but much of this has become a part of tourism. It's not that I don't like touristy things, I just cannot take it in large quantity. Our visit to La Boca was both enriching and disappointing. This area has become a popular tourist destination and has lost its original meaning and significance.
Our first day in Buenos Aires was not a good one. Something shady was going on and this left my brother and I very scared and concerned for our safety. However, everything changed over the next few days. We began to feel safer and much more secure. Buenos Aires is definitely a city worth visiting and it is full of things to do. However, Argentina as a whole is not so stable and it is evident throughout the streets and shops.
Finally, our final destination, Mendoza. Mendoza is by far my favourite city so far this trip. It is most likely because this is where I am 'based'. The wine here is superb - I am a red wine lover, and there's nowhere else to be but here to drink the best red wine. Most wine here are just so easy to drink and so smooth. Though much of this town has also been taken over by tourism, it still retains much of its original flavour on the streets. Siesta is still common here. I have finally gotten used to not being able to buy much or do much during 2~5. Eliminating my shirt tan has also been on my to do list and surprisingly is actually happening!
Christmas is probably one of the best time in the year. Although I come from an Asian family who doesn't really celebrate this day, I have fallen in love with this day over the years. It is just such a festive season and the endless stream of happiness during this period is phenomenal. This year I am spending it with 5 other Australian - 1 of which is my brother. It is a very different Christmas than those that I'm used to, but it is an experience. I wish more than anything else to be with my friends and family (friends more than family haha), but I'm just taking it all in. I am in South America!!!
I have no idea what has gotten into me but I just have this urge to go back to Taiwan. However, I am coming to terms with the limited possibility of going the coming year, and also the years after.
Youth is a beautiful thing but can be hard to work around.
Well. Merry Christmas from Argentina!
Feliz Navidad!
-Daniel
2013年11月16日 星期六
Doubts, Debates and Dazzling.
Tonight I had my birthday celebration with my university friends.
It was so surreal and special.
Accepting the fact that I am now ready to go into my 5th year of university study has still not sunken in for me.
I still look back to that first day in high school. My family getting super excited and taking photos in the morning. I wore my shorts super high and tucked my shirt in. Pulled that long socks up and put my hat on (who the hell puts their hat on). Remembering getting from K Block to A Block was the biggest challenge. The second day of school, there was a huge rain. I had no idea how to get to A block, once again. In the heavy rain, a year 12 helped me there. We shared an umbrella, but nevertheless we were both wet. I was soaked wet. I got to class and I could not concentrate at all. I was drenched.
Fast forward, waking up the last day of high school was interesting too. I woke up and thought to myself 'this is it, this is where your life begins'.
I know that's what I'm going to feel next year too at my university graduation.
Remembering my first day at university, I was super lost. Not only did I have to come down from Brisbane to Gold Coast, I also missed the orientation day. I had no idea how university worked. I could not find any buildings. I arrived to the lecture late, and also drenched in sweat. I remember I didn't know where to sit as I really had no friends. I also remember not understanding a word at all in the biology lecture - as I have no background in biology whatsoever. The words 'mitochondria' scared the living hell out of me. Protein synthesis, cell membrane, cell wall. All I could think of was 'what the fuck?'
Fast forward now, my daily routine includes picking up a syringe that most people hate and injecting people with copious amount of local anaesthetic solution. Looking at teeth everyday and dealing with people's problems with their oral health.
5 years of high school sure go by quickly. 4 years of university has gone by quickly too. I have accomplished more than I could ever imagined. By the end of next year, it would be my 10th year of proper education (primary didn't really count!). It has been a long road hasn't it?
The celebration tonight was more than amazing. Having a group of friends that I love the most was unbelievable. However, I also had to face the sad fact that I will not see half of these people next year. Placement will be putting us in different places at all times. Suddenly I felt like I was detached from my closest friends against my will. I am pulled away by this unknown force without wanting to do it. Yet this is life isn't it? When we graduate, that's it. We will never all be in the same room together - or the occasion would be very rare. Will any of them remember this night as clear as I would?
This also begs me to question myself, what the fuck are you doing with your life right now?
Recent months have been a roller-coaster ride itself. I'm now starting to realise my stupidity and reflect on the true values of my previous actions. If you can't sort yourself out, why the fuck are you helping someone?
Sometimes the lights are too shiny and you become blinded for a second and lose your way. Maybe it's time to find that path again. Maybe letting go isn't so hard sometimes.
-Daniel
It was so surreal and special.
Accepting the fact that I am now ready to go into my 5th year of university study has still not sunken in for me.
I still look back to that first day in high school. My family getting super excited and taking photos in the morning. I wore my shorts super high and tucked my shirt in. Pulled that long socks up and put my hat on (who the hell puts their hat on). Remembering getting from K Block to A Block was the biggest challenge. The second day of school, there was a huge rain. I had no idea how to get to A block, once again. In the heavy rain, a year 12 helped me there. We shared an umbrella, but nevertheless we were both wet. I was soaked wet. I got to class and I could not concentrate at all. I was drenched.
Fast forward, waking up the last day of high school was interesting too. I woke up and thought to myself 'this is it, this is where your life begins'.
I know that's what I'm going to feel next year too at my university graduation.
Remembering my first day at university, I was super lost. Not only did I have to come down from Brisbane to Gold Coast, I also missed the orientation day. I had no idea how university worked. I could not find any buildings. I arrived to the lecture late, and also drenched in sweat. I remember I didn't know where to sit as I really had no friends. I also remember not understanding a word at all in the biology lecture - as I have no background in biology whatsoever. The words 'mitochondria' scared the living hell out of me. Protein synthesis, cell membrane, cell wall. All I could think of was 'what the fuck?'
Fast forward now, my daily routine includes picking up a syringe that most people hate and injecting people with copious amount of local anaesthetic solution. Looking at teeth everyday and dealing with people's problems with their oral health.
5 years of high school sure go by quickly. 4 years of university has gone by quickly too. I have accomplished more than I could ever imagined. By the end of next year, it would be my 10th year of proper education (primary didn't really count!). It has been a long road hasn't it?
The celebration tonight was more than amazing. Having a group of friends that I love the most was unbelievable. However, I also had to face the sad fact that I will not see half of these people next year. Placement will be putting us in different places at all times. Suddenly I felt like I was detached from my closest friends against my will. I am pulled away by this unknown force without wanting to do it. Yet this is life isn't it? When we graduate, that's it. We will never all be in the same room together - or the occasion would be very rare. Will any of them remember this night as clear as I would?
This also begs me to question myself, what the fuck are you doing with your life right now?
Recent months have been a roller-coaster ride itself. I'm now starting to realise my stupidity and reflect on the true values of my previous actions. If you can't sort yourself out, why the fuck are you helping someone?
Sometimes the lights are too shiny and you become blinded for a second and lose your way. Maybe it's time to find that path again. Maybe letting go isn't so hard sometimes.
-Daniel
2013年11月9日 星期六
Deadlines, Dejections, and Discoveries.
It's been over 3 months since I last revisited this blog.
Life has been surreal for the last 3 months. I don't even know where to begin to record this past 3 months down in an abridged, yet detailed manner.
Let's start with my unbelievable trip to Peru.
Peru was simply stunning. Beautiful. Every part of the trip took my breath away. I did write a blog about it, but it became very draggy so I don't know if I will post it ever. It'll be in the cyberspace somewhere and I can still look back and read it in the future! I had the most amazing time with 2 of my good friends from university. I also met 6 other amazing students from all around the world. It's amazing how you meet people on certain trips and you know you are forever bonded with them that way. I will never ever forget the three lovely American girls I met, and the three lovely British friends as well. I never imagined I would be so close and have so much connection with 2 of these American girls. They are truly two special girls in my life and I owe everything to them for making my time in Trujillo so amazing.
Now Machu Picchu. I don't even know where to begin. This site was simply beyond beautiful. I did the 4 day 3 nights Inca Trail. I was certainly very anxious prior to the trail. While we were in Trujillo, we took a weekend off to Huaraz, a small town in the mountains up north full of culture. We did a one day trek, and needless to say, I died. I was inexperienced and I died. Due to this traumatic experience, I was extremely anxious about the Inca Trail. There were 6 of us on the trail, my 2 Australian companions and a British couple and a man from Netherlands. It was an amazing 4 day with these people. It was my first time not showering for longer than 2 nights and I must say, by the end of the 4 days, all of us just wanted to get back to our accommodation and shower!! Machu Picchu took my breath away for sure. The combination of the physical and mental fatigue after a 4 day 3 night trail made the site even more marvellous than it is. I remember walking towards Machu Picchu with excitement, and needed my friend to calm me down.
The South America experience was one of the best holidays of my life. When we returned home, we were all very sad. I certainly did not cope well at the beginning.
Not only were we delayed a whole day, which lead us to being a day late at school, we also moved into a new building. This building is meant to be 'State Of The Art', yet I could not appreciate it. Luckily though, I quickly snapped out of it, and began to appreciate it more. I still remember the first few weeks back at uni how we were the only ones in the building and the building was ours. Alas, a few weeks later, university timetable officially started and the building was up and running and filled with lots of students from different majors.
This semester has definitely been an interesting one. Looking back I was only working on a few cases, yet it took me a whole semester. The South America trip definitely healed my relationship with my friend. We started to mend the bridges (at least it seems like to me we did). We were slowly getting back on track. I was looking forward to our final year together, where we can possibly get closer and closer again, just like we were before. Now, I know we will never ever be the same as before, but any progress we make back towards how close we were would be better than the state we were in at the start of this year.
Not too long ago came the shocker. The school has decided to make some drastic changes to our curriculum structure, and one of the major changes is: final year students work as single operators. The plus side to this is that we get double exposure time. The downside is, we lose our partner. I think for many of us, we weren't ready to lose that partnership yet. Most of us, in our own pair, have worked so hard to build that bond and trust between us and now it's been taken away from us. However, we all must learn to adapt. Even if we were to stay in pairs, we would still separate after we graduate. This change is an attempt from the school to provide us with more experience and clinical times and I truly appreciate that. So here we are. Ending our partnership prematurely!
What's truly ending it prematurely is the fact that my partner fell sick during the 3rd last week of university. He was unable to attend Friday. I looked forward to his return, but he had called me that same Sunday telling me he isn't clear to come to university. He transferred all his planned appointments under my name and I provided care for his patients. However, he was then once again told a week later, he is not cleared to be in the clinic still. During this time, I had fell extremely sick. I lost my voice and was certainly not in the condition to attend university. But we can't have both of us not showing up! I also had to do a practical exam which was part of my assessment. I survived those 2 weeks, with a lot of support and help from friends. On the last day, I looked forward to my partner's return, but he was once again, not cleared. So here we go. We didn't even get to say goodbye properly. There certainly were a lot of emotions inside me on the last day. I was very upset. Seeing everyone having formerly thank their partner and find closure to their partnership, I felt lonely and empty.
Self discovery and improvement were also a big focus of the latter half of the year. A new blog has been started documenting a new part of my life. I have become more honest with more of my friends, and myself. I've discovered who my real friends are. I've also become closer with previous acquaintances as well. The most surprising one being a new found friendship with a caucasian male. We would describe our friendship, and as would lots of other people, as bromance. To me, it certainly was one of those unexpected friendship. With this bromance also came another friendship with his clinic partner. I've definitely discovered new support group within the university.
Sometimes life just puts new people in your life to flourish it. I have been blessed with a few new people in my life. Just as I thought life couldn't get any better…
I have been anxious over placement next year. I have heard outplacement opportunities are scarce and being a natural worry wort, I decided I will probably get the worst placement. Long story short, I pretty much got 2 of the best placements! One of which I have been dreaming of for nearly a whole semester!! The other one is another super amazing placement that I never thought I would get either.
At this point life seems to be going too good to be true. But I've learned to just take it as it is. Accept it. Enjoy it. Make the most out of it.
We are in the middle of study week. This is my form of taking a break. I am 3 weeks away from heading towards South America again. This time I am taking on Santiago de Chile, Buenos Aires and Mendoza, Argentina with my brother. It will be another once in a lifetime experience. I cannot wait to meet new people on this trip and put myself outside of my comfort zone.
Of course life hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies. However, I'm working on that. I'm working on being positive and not let negative thoughts cloud my mind.
-Daniel
Life has been surreal for the last 3 months. I don't even know where to begin to record this past 3 months down in an abridged, yet detailed manner.
Let's start with my unbelievable trip to Peru.
Peru was simply stunning. Beautiful. Every part of the trip took my breath away. I did write a blog about it, but it became very draggy so I don't know if I will post it ever. It'll be in the cyberspace somewhere and I can still look back and read it in the future! I had the most amazing time with 2 of my good friends from university. I also met 6 other amazing students from all around the world. It's amazing how you meet people on certain trips and you know you are forever bonded with them that way. I will never ever forget the three lovely American girls I met, and the three lovely British friends as well. I never imagined I would be so close and have so much connection with 2 of these American girls. They are truly two special girls in my life and I owe everything to them for making my time in Trujillo so amazing.
Now Machu Picchu. I don't even know where to begin. This site was simply beyond beautiful. I did the 4 day 3 nights Inca Trail. I was certainly very anxious prior to the trail. While we were in Trujillo, we took a weekend off to Huaraz, a small town in the mountains up north full of culture. We did a one day trek, and needless to say, I died. I was inexperienced and I died. Due to this traumatic experience, I was extremely anxious about the Inca Trail. There were 6 of us on the trail, my 2 Australian companions and a British couple and a man from Netherlands. It was an amazing 4 day with these people. It was my first time not showering for longer than 2 nights and I must say, by the end of the 4 days, all of us just wanted to get back to our accommodation and shower!! Machu Picchu took my breath away for sure. The combination of the physical and mental fatigue after a 4 day 3 night trail made the site even more marvellous than it is. I remember walking towards Machu Picchu with excitement, and needed my friend to calm me down.
The South America experience was one of the best holidays of my life. When we returned home, we were all very sad. I certainly did not cope well at the beginning.
Not only were we delayed a whole day, which lead us to being a day late at school, we also moved into a new building. This building is meant to be 'State Of The Art', yet I could not appreciate it. Luckily though, I quickly snapped out of it, and began to appreciate it more. I still remember the first few weeks back at uni how we were the only ones in the building and the building was ours. Alas, a few weeks later, university timetable officially started and the building was up and running and filled with lots of students from different majors.
This semester has definitely been an interesting one. Looking back I was only working on a few cases, yet it took me a whole semester. The South America trip definitely healed my relationship with my friend. We started to mend the bridges (at least it seems like to me we did). We were slowly getting back on track. I was looking forward to our final year together, where we can possibly get closer and closer again, just like we were before. Now, I know we will never ever be the same as before, but any progress we make back towards how close we were would be better than the state we were in at the start of this year.
Not too long ago came the shocker. The school has decided to make some drastic changes to our curriculum structure, and one of the major changes is: final year students work as single operators. The plus side to this is that we get double exposure time. The downside is, we lose our partner. I think for many of us, we weren't ready to lose that partnership yet. Most of us, in our own pair, have worked so hard to build that bond and trust between us and now it's been taken away from us. However, we all must learn to adapt. Even if we were to stay in pairs, we would still separate after we graduate. This change is an attempt from the school to provide us with more experience and clinical times and I truly appreciate that. So here we are. Ending our partnership prematurely!
What's truly ending it prematurely is the fact that my partner fell sick during the 3rd last week of university. He was unable to attend Friday. I looked forward to his return, but he had called me that same Sunday telling me he isn't clear to come to university. He transferred all his planned appointments under my name and I provided care for his patients. However, he was then once again told a week later, he is not cleared to be in the clinic still. During this time, I had fell extremely sick. I lost my voice and was certainly not in the condition to attend university. But we can't have both of us not showing up! I also had to do a practical exam which was part of my assessment. I survived those 2 weeks, with a lot of support and help from friends. On the last day, I looked forward to my partner's return, but he was once again, not cleared. So here we go. We didn't even get to say goodbye properly. There certainly were a lot of emotions inside me on the last day. I was very upset. Seeing everyone having formerly thank their partner and find closure to their partnership, I felt lonely and empty.
Self discovery and improvement were also a big focus of the latter half of the year. A new blog has been started documenting a new part of my life. I have become more honest with more of my friends, and myself. I've discovered who my real friends are. I've also become closer with previous acquaintances as well. The most surprising one being a new found friendship with a caucasian male. We would describe our friendship, and as would lots of other people, as bromance. To me, it certainly was one of those unexpected friendship. With this bromance also came another friendship with his clinic partner. I've definitely discovered new support group within the university.
Sometimes life just puts new people in your life to flourish it. I have been blessed with a few new people in my life. Just as I thought life couldn't get any better…
I have been anxious over placement next year. I have heard outplacement opportunities are scarce and being a natural worry wort, I decided I will probably get the worst placement. Long story short, I pretty much got 2 of the best placements! One of which I have been dreaming of for nearly a whole semester!! The other one is another super amazing placement that I never thought I would get either.
At this point life seems to be going too good to be true. But I've learned to just take it as it is. Accept it. Enjoy it. Make the most out of it.
We are in the middle of study week. This is my form of taking a break. I am 3 weeks away from heading towards South America again. This time I am taking on Santiago de Chile, Buenos Aires and Mendoza, Argentina with my brother. It will be another once in a lifetime experience. I cannot wait to meet new people on this trip and put myself outside of my comfort zone.
Of course life hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies. However, I'm working on that. I'm working on being positive and not let negative thoughts cloud my mind.
-Daniel
2013年6月1日 星期六
Pain, Plain, and Sustain
We often like to find out things that we know will upset us. We always want the truth, even if we know it will hurt us.
You put on a strong face and you look at me as if you are ok. You tell me everything is alright, and that you've forgotten about him. You want to shed some tears, but you are afraid you can't stop. You try to smile it off, but sometimes you just don't have the energy.
I can see you are hurt. I can see you're drained. I can see you want to start over. I can see you want a second chance. But what can I really do for you?
I just can't see you like this. It actually hurts a lot for me too. But how can I avoid you? How? I will never be able to avoid this situation.
I wish you can just cry your tears out. I wish you can cry your pain away. I wish you can cry the situation away. I wish you can change the situation by crying. If only it was that easy...
You ask me if you'll ever be happy again. If you'll be able to truly smile again.
You're barely surviving. And that breaks my heart.
-Daniel
You put on a strong face and you look at me as if you are ok. You tell me everything is alright, and that you've forgotten about him. You want to shed some tears, but you are afraid you can't stop. You try to smile it off, but sometimes you just don't have the energy.
I can see you are hurt. I can see you're drained. I can see you want to start over. I can see you want a second chance. But what can I really do for you?
I just can't see you like this. It actually hurts a lot for me too. But how can I avoid you? How? I will never be able to avoid this situation.
I wish you can just cry your tears out. I wish you can cry your pain away. I wish you can cry the situation away. I wish you can change the situation by crying. If only it was that easy...
You ask me if you'll ever be happy again. If you'll be able to truly smile again.
You're barely surviving. And that breaks my heart.
-Daniel
2013年5月27日 星期一
2 months, 2 haircuts, 2 decisions, 2 treatments, too much.
Stress level is higher than ever currently. Just a few more days I will be set free then thrown into an environment where the only way to get around is sign language. How we all love sign languages! People say music is the universal language. Some say love. I say being human already tells me you and I have a lot in common.
Over the last 2 months a lot has happened. New experiences. New people. New discoveries.
It's amazing how quick time flies. What would things be like now if that Saturday night never happened? We always seem to lose something before we realize how important it is and how much more we could have done to preserve it. My initial reluctancy only lead to later disappointment and sadness. Time flies when you are truly having fun. Or just when you're too busy. I guess having been both busy and having lots of fun means I should not complain at all. But tell me, how did it all end before it even started?
It felt like everything was just starting, then suddenly it was coming to an end. In a way I wasn't prepared, but we did make it clear at the beginning. It wasn't anyone's fault. It's never the other person's fault, right?
With 2 haircuts, we ended it. There is no deny to my sadness about it, but I am grateful we still remain bonded somehow.
Peru is fast approaching. Between now and there are only a few days to do last minute preparation. My shoes aren't here and cash isn't ready. On top of this, everyday is filled with an exam.
This is going to be a trip of a lifetime. I am excited, yet extremely anxious at the same time.
It's time for a new start.
-Daniel
Over the last 2 months a lot has happened. New experiences. New people. New discoveries.
It's amazing how quick time flies. What would things be like now if that Saturday night never happened? We always seem to lose something before we realize how important it is and how much more we could have done to preserve it. My initial reluctancy only lead to later disappointment and sadness. Time flies when you are truly having fun. Or just when you're too busy. I guess having been both busy and having lots of fun means I should not complain at all. But tell me, how did it all end before it even started?
It felt like everything was just starting, then suddenly it was coming to an end. In a way I wasn't prepared, but we did make it clear at the beginning. It wasn't anyone's fault. It's never the other person's fault, right?
With 2 haircuts, we ended it. There is no deny to my sadness about it, but I am grateful we still remain bonded somehow.
Peru is fast approaching. Between now and there are only a few days to do last minute preparation. My shoes aren't here and cash isn't ready. On top of this, everyday is filled with an exam.
This is going to be a trip of a lifetime. I am excited, yet extremely anxious at the same time.
It's time for a new start.
-Daniel
2013年4月29日 星期一
Challenged Values
Been a while since I wrote.
Life's been busy. Life's been good - I guess it hasn't been bad either so that makes it good? School work has picked up. All the angst 2 months ago are now gone. Specialties are being practiced. A balance is found. Sometimes I am an extremely paranoid person and I let this get the best of me sometimes. Speaking of paranoia, I am still worrying about tomorrow. I just hope it all goes well. I don't want 3 hours to go to waste. PLEASE SHOW UP!
Recently, something happened and has shaken me to my core. The last thing you want is for a loved one to tell you to not believe in your dream. Growing up in a family of such traditional and narrow minded values, it's hard to break through. I am not trying to defy these values, I'm simply embracing them in my own ways. Since 15 I have had this dream. It is for this goal that I have worked so hard for. There is a fear that I am going to be changed and transformed into an unrecognizeable person through the harsh reality of this world. Expressing this to a loved one was difficult. I expected support, however all I received was the complete opposite.
I do not believe I need to change.
However, when someone you love more than the world denies your dream, doesn't even take one second to acknowledge it, and just crushes it, it hurts.
You will never understand.
I have given up explaining to you.
You've shown me light, but may have also pushed me into darkness.
Daniel
Life's been busy. Life's been good - I guess it hasn't been bad either so that makes it good? School work has picked up. All the angst 2 months ago are now gone. Specialties are being practiced. A balance is found. Sometimes I am an extremely paranoid person and I let this get the best of me sometimes. Speaking of paranoia, I am still worrying about tomorrow. I just hope it all goes well. I don't want 3 hours to go to waste. PLEASE SHOW UP!
Recently, something happened and has shaken me to my core. The last thing you want is for a loved one to tell you to not believe in your dream. Growing up in a family of such traditional and narrow minded values, it's hard to break through. I am not trying to defy these values, I'm simply embracing them in my own ways. Since 15 I have had this dream. It is for this goal that I have worked so hard for. There is a fear that I am going to be changed and transformed into an unrecognizeable person through the harsh reality of this world. Expressing this to a loved one was difficult. I expected support, however all I received was the complete opposite.
I do not believe I need to change.
However, when someone you love more than the world denies your dream, doesn't even take one second to acknowledge it, and just crushes it, it hurts.
You will never understand.
I have given up explaining to you.
You've shown me light, but may have also pushed me into darkness.
Daniel
2013年3月3日 星期日
Faded Photographs
Memory is an interesting thing. It's like photographs (and by that, I mean traditional photographs that are processed and treated in dark rooms. Back in the days when films were used.) The moment it happens, or the moment it's processed, it's always the freshest. The colours are vibrant and the picture is clear. Then as time passes, the colours begin to fade, the details begin to blur, and the picture becomes fuzzy. Memory is like that too.
Recent events have caused me to really start to wonder about my need of hoarding objects. I get emotionally attached to objects and I seldom throw things out. A family member recently asked me for some iPhone 4 screen protectors, as she knows I have a lot stored somewhere. As to why I would store these items somewhere is beyond my understanding. Due to this sudden need of screen protectors, I had to go on a hunt for those little tiny things. Oh boy was that a disaster.
Before we continue, let's just say I am really bad with hoarding. Due to circumstances, I have four rooms. Two of which I have beds in, then the other two I simply use as storage and occasionally study. I also have a wardrobe that isn't for clothes, but for boxes of my belongings. I have boxes and boxes of clothes that I don't know if I'll ever wear again.
I quickly opened the wardrobe and had to go through a lot of those boxes. It's not that I don't know I possess certain things, but it's that I've forgotten. As I was going through these boxes, memories began to come back. Every item that I look through has a story to it... I began a trip down memory lane.
Life is a bitch sometimes. You feel like you are going down the right path and the right road, just for life to give you a sudden turn, and everything you know suddenly becomes different. Going through these things brought me back to my earliest memories of my childhood. From the picture perfect life back then, to my adventure in Australia, then to my highschool years of trying to figure out myself (hey, we've all been there), then to my early university years, and until now.
My childhood memories and times in Taiwan are becoming blurred. I remember bits and pieces. I do know for a fact I had a lot of fun and my brother and I were the stars of our family and at that moment in time, we had just about everything. Even if back then we wanted more, looking back now as an adult, I know we had everything we could have ever wanted. Then came our settlement in Australia, or rather the hastened settlement due to my stubbornness.
Life changed. Drastically. I began to take more responsibility. I began to darken. I began to sink. I slowly changed. For the better? Maybe. For the worse? Maybe too.
It's never easy to be thrown out of your comfort zone. For someone who's always had four limbs, if you take one limb away from them, they need time to absorb the shock, and digest the change. For someone who's always had a happy family with two parents, suddenly you have the parents breaking up, the kid will need to adjust too. For someone who's never had to work to get money, it's never easy for adjust when they're borderline bankrupt and need to support themselves. However, we are humans. We are born to adapt to change. We learn to cope with our surroundings.
In these massive piles of objects I possess, there are memories in every single item. I don't want to throw them away, because it means I will forget and lose the memory. But when is too much too much?
I'm only going to keep getting more objects to store, when will the old ones have to go?
I remember the days when love was just pure. Holding hands was everything. A little notebook meant the world.
I remember the days when getting up at 6am was a pain, but life was still perfect.
I remember the days when we all fought hard and made up hard. We thought we knew it all, but we actually only knew so little.
I remember the days when algebra felt like a necessity in life, but now I have not had to find 'x' in years.
I remember the days we laughed, cried and joked in the school grounds that were familiar to us, but now just a distant memory.
I remember our days in the foreign land where we tried to navigate through the different culture.
I don't want to forget. I don't want any of these memories to fade.
But just like photographs, they will fade one day... Unless you try to reproduce them.
Where is the innocence?
Where is the pureness?
-Daniel
Recent events have caused me to really start to wonder about my need of hoarding objects. I get emotionally attached to objects and I seldom throw things out. A family member recently asked me for some iPhone 4 screen protectors, as she knows I have a lot stored somewhere. As to why I would store these items somewhere is beyond my understanding. Due to this sudden need of screen protectors, I had to go on a hunt for those little tiny things. Oh boy was that a disaster.
Before we continue, let's just say I am really bad with hoarding. Due to circumstances, I have four rooms. Two of which I have beds in, then the other two I simply use as storage and occasionally study. I also have a wardrobe that isn't for clothes, but for boxes of my belongings. I have boxes and boxes of clothes that I don't know if I'll ever wear again.
I quickly opened the wardrobe and had to go through a lot of those boxes. It's not that I don't know I possess certain things, but it's that I've forgotten. As I was going through these boxes, memories began to come back. Every item that I look through has a story to it... I began a trip down memory lane.
Life is a bitch sometimes. You feel like you are going down the right path and the right road, just for life to give you a sudden turn, and everything you know suddenly becomes different. Going through these things brought me back to my earliest memories of my childhood. From the picture perfect life back then, to my adventure in Australia, then to my highschool years of trying to figure out myself (hey, we've all been there), then to my early university years, and until now.
My childhood memories and times in Taiwan are becoming blurred. I remember bits and pieces. I do know for a fact I had a lot of fun and my brother and I were the stars of our family and at that moment in time, we had just about everything. Even if back then we wanted more, looking back now as an adult, I know we had everything we could have ever wanted. Then came our settlement in Australia, or rather the hastened settlement due to my stubbornness.
Life changed. Drastically. I began to take more responsibility. I began to darken. I began to sink. I slowly changed. For the better? Maybe. For the worse? Maybe too.
It's never easy to be thrown out of your comfort zone. For someone who's always had four limbs, if you take one limb away from them, they need time to absorb the shock, and digest the change. For someone who's always had a happy family with two parents, suddenly you have the parents breaking up, the kid will need to adjust too. For someone who's never had to work to get money, it's never easy for adjust when they're borderline bankrupt and need to support themselves. However, we are humans. We are born to adapt to change. We learn to cope with our surroundings.
In these massive piles of objects I possess, there are memories in every single item. I don't want to throw them away, because it means I will forget and lose the memory. But when is too much too much?
I'm only going to keep getting more objects to store, when will the old ones have to go?
I remember the days when love was just pure. Holding hands was everything. A little notebook meant the world.
I remember the days when getting up at 6am was a pain, but life was still perfect.
I remember the days when we all fought hard and made up hard. We thought we knew it all, but we actually only knew so little.
I remember the days when algebra felt like a necessity in life, but now I have not had to find 'x' in years.
I remember the days we laughed, cried and joked in the school grounds that were familiar to us, but now just a distant memory.
I remember our days in the foreign land where we tried to navigate through the different culture.
I don't want to forget. I don't want any of these memories to fade.
But just like photographs, they will fade one day... Unless you try to reproduce them.
Where is the innocence?
Where is the pureness?
-Daniel
2013年1月12日 星期六
Innocence, childhood, relativity and reality.
As parents, you always want to protect your precious children from the evil, the harm, and the ugliness of the world. As a child, you have the innocence, the curiosity, the desire for more knowledge. You dream of the things you're going to do when you grow up, and the great things you will accomplish. You spend endless nights thinking what kind of future is waiting for you. You enjoy little things such as being able to eat sweets, and you enjoy little moments, such as simply going on a see-saw or a swing.
Have we all lost a sense of this innocence? The world is a dangerous, and almost unforgiving place. We go through puberty, we mature, we become adults, and yet most of us aren't even ready when we step into reality. However, when is the proper time to step into reality? For some of us, it may be never. We are so sheltered by the illusion created by our family, or our surrounding, we never see the true light. For some of us, we step into it unwillingly.
Truth is often stranger than fiction.
-Ddaniel
Have we all lost a sense of this innocence? The world is a dangerous, and almost unforgiving place. We go through puberty, we mature, we become adults, and yet most of us aren't even ready when we step into reality. However, when is the proper time to step into reality? For some of us, it may be never. We are so sheltered by the illusion created by our family, or our surrounding, we never see the true light. For some of us, we step into it unwillingly.
Truth is often stranger than fiction.
-Ddaniel
2013年1月3日 星期四
Family, Friends, and Farewell.
A new year has begun!
This year is going to be an exciting year because I will be tackling pretty much every aspect of dentistry from now on. I am super nervous, yet super excited and optimistic. However, I know this optimism won't last very long. Soon I will be beaten by the stress and busyness and I won't be able to breathe again.
The last few days have been very good with the recent accident being settled, welcoming the new year, and realising what's really important to me.
I've moved away from home for three years now. At first I hated it. I wanted to come home as much as possible and stay away from that accommodation as much as possible. Some time passed, then I became very used to it. I enjoyed the freedom of being alone. I enjoyed being by myself. It's funny because it's not even by myself, I have other housemates in the house too! The frequency of returning home to Brisbane became less and less. One month ago, I hated being back 'home' because I didn't feel at home. I feel like I was just stuck in a place where I have no freedom. I am used to being alone. I am used to washing my own dishes. I am used to cooking for myself. I am used to doing everything myself (or not do everything), and returning home makes me feel like a guest and feel restricted as well.
I've lost that family loving side of me for sure. I've taken my family for granted, thinking they'd always be here. However, I have slowly come to realise that's not the case. How many years will I really spend with them? Shouldn't the time I spend with them now be treasured? In 2 years time I will start to work. Will I still be at home? Will I move out? In 20, or 30 years time, are my parents and grandparent still going to be healthy? I don't want to regret when the time comes. I have been trying to make the most out of it lately, and I am slowly making progress.
Your parents raise you to be a certain way, but once a child enters the real world, they start to morph into the real 'him/her'. It's not that the child doesn't like your teaching, it's just the child isn't just a robot. I've become so different to what my family traditions dictate one should be, sometimes I feel like an outcast. I grew up in a Western culture and I've become very accustomed to it. I still have the Eastern side of me, however, some of the things that happen regularly at 'home' I just cannot agree with.
One of the most amazing type of love in this world is the love for your family. Recently I've rediscovered that in a different way. I've lost that sense of belonging in a family. For a short while last night, I felt like a part of the family too. I felt like that little boy I was 10 years ago again. The one who was loved and protected by everyone. It's not that I don't enjoy being loved and protected, I just don't need the same kind of love and protection. Your family should always be the first to put you on a pedestal and treat you like the king of the world. At least my family does that. My father is never one to be good with words, however his actions have spoken a lot over the last few years. I can tell he is proud of me and my brother and how far we've come from a family that's not perfect. He gives me all the freedom I need, and rarely complains about how little time I spend at home with family, or just with him, yet I know he secretly enjoys every moment spent with me. He's never really approached me to talk deeply or connect on any levels, yet he's treasured the little information and things I've given him. This love cannot be replaced by anything else in this world. With that, I hope I can return to the simple boy I used to be. Less hate, more love. It is family after all.
Now people often say, you are born with a family, but your friends are the family you choose to have around you. It is January 2013 now. I have met many new people last year and I feel privileged to have gotten to know all of them. Being born and raised in this country, I have never ever lived more than 6 months in another country other than Taiwan, where I am originally from. I do not know what it feels like to live in a place for a year and then having to leave. Just a year ago, around this time, I met a couple who was here for working holiday from Taiwan and I met them just at New Years Eve, then I had to quickly say goodbye to them in a few weeks. For me, I was sad but not devastated. Last year, I also met another person through a friend. Soon she will return (next week in fact). I feel sorrow, I feel sadness, because I don't want to ever say goodbye to anyone. Saying goodbye is as if you will never see the person again. However, is there any other way? That's how this world works. You can't stay in another country forever doing nothing unless you have earned your right as a citizen. There's no other alternative other than her departure and the goodbye that needs to be said. Will every January be like this? Will I have to say goodbye to someone again?
I am now 21. For 21 years, I have met many people, and have said goodbye to so many people. I will continue to do in my life. Friends come and go. People will walk into your life, and accompany you through a certain period, and then leave. What makes these people real is the memories you share with them. However, when you forget, what does it become?
What will happen in the future, no body knows. Will I keep in touch with this girl? Will I keep in touch with the friends I've just spent a good summer with? Maybe. Maybe not. To her, I am a big part of her whole memory of her 1 year of time in Australia. To me, she is a small part of my life here in Australia. To say she is a small part is in no way saying she is insignificant, but it's the truth. Her life (and also everyone who comes here for working holiday or holiday visa) is in Taiwan. That's the real life she lives. This is just a small chapter of her life. To me, my life is here. It's a big chapter. Her appearance is a part of a big chapter of my life. It's scary to think about it this way because if one forgets, then does it make this friendship real?
We always think of how things will be in a the future. Sometimes we are too caught up with predicting how the future will be, we forget to live in the present. So many faces come and go every day of our life, it almost seems impossible to say you'll remember 'every moment' you've spent with someone.
We all definitely take the time spent with friends for granted. Every one of these people I've met last year and gotten closer to means something to me. I've chosen to let them be a part of my life and they've also chosen to let me be a part of their life. What we need to do is cherish every moment and make every moment real.
I thank you, all my friends who's made 2012 special for me, the new friends, the old friends, the old friends that I haven't spoken to in a long time and the new friends that will come. Remember, if you judge every book by its cover, no books will be read. Same with people. If you never given them a chance, they will just be empty people in your life.
Farewell 2012.
Farewell, some friends.
We will meet again. I know it. It won't feel the same, but it will feel warm again.
-Daniel
This year is going to be an exciting year because I will be tackling pretty much every aspect of dentistry from now on. I am super nervous, yet super excited and optimistic. However, I know this optimism won't last very long. Soon I will be beaten by the stress and busyness and I won't be able to breathe again.
The last few days have been very good with the recent accident being settled, welcoming the new year, and realising what's really important to me.
I've moved away from home for three years now. At first I hated it. I wanted to come home as much as possible and stay away from that accommodation as much as possible. Some time passed, then I became very used to it. I enjoyed the freedom of being alone. I enjoyed being by myself. It's funny because it's not even by myself, I have other housemates in the house too! The frequency of returning home to Brisbane became less and less. One month ago, I hated being back 'home' because I didn't feel at home. I feel like I was just stuck in a place where I have no freedom. I am used to being alone. I am used to washing my own dishes. I am used to cooking for myself. I am used to doing everything myself (or not do everything), and returning home makes me feel like a guest and feel restricted as well.
I've lost that family loving side of me for sure. I've taken my family for granted, thinking they'd always be here. However, I have slowly come to realise that's not the case. How many years will I really spend with them? Shouldn't the time I spend with them now be treasured? In 2 years time I will start to work. Will I still be at home? Will I move out? In 20, or 30 years time, are my parents and grandparent still going to be healthy? I don't want to regret when the time comes. I have been trying to make the most out of it lately, and I am slowly making progress.
Your parents raise you to be a certain way, but once a child enters the real world, they start to morph into the real 'him/her'. It's not that the child doesn't like your teaching, it's just the child isn't just a robot. I've become so different to what my family traditions dictate one should be, sometimes I feel like an outcast. I grew up in a Western culture and I've become very accustomed to it. I still have the Eastern side of me, however, some of the things that happen regularly at 'home' I just cannot agree with.
One of the most amazing type of love in this world is the love for your family. Recently I've rediscovered that in a different way. I've lost that sense of belonging in a family. For a short while last night, I felt like a part of the family too. I felt like that little boy I was 10 years ago again. The one who was loved and protected by everyone. It's not that I don't enjoy being loved and protected, I just don't need the same kind of love and protection. Your family should always be the first to put you on a pedestal and treat you like the king of the world. At least my family does that. My father is never one to be good with words, however his actions have spoken a lot over the last few years. I can tell he is proud of me and my brother and how far we've come from a family that's not perfect. He gives me all the freedom I need, and rarely complains about how little time I spend at home with family, or just with him, yet I know he secretly enjoys every moment spent with me. He's never really approached me to talk deeply or connect on any levels, yet he's treasured the little information and things I've given him. This love cannot be replaced by anything else in this world. With that, I hope I can return to the simple boy I used to be. Less hate, more love. It is family after all.
Now people often say, you are born with a family, but your friends are the family you choose to have around you. It is January 2013 now. I have met many new people last year and I feel privileged to have gotten to know all of them. Being born and raised in this country, I have never ever lived more than 6 months in another country other than Taiwan, where I am originally from. I do not know what it feels like to live in a place for a year and then having to leave. Just a year ago, around this time, I met a couple who was here for working holiday from Taiwan and I met them just at New Years Eve, then I had to quickly say goodbye to them in a few weeks. For me, I was sad but not devastated. Last year, I also met another person through a friend. Soon she will return (next week in fact). I feel sorrow, I feel sadness, because I don't want to ever say goodbye to anyone. Saying goodbye is as if you will never see the person again. However, is there any other way? That's how this world works. You can't stay in another country forever doing nothing unless you have earned your right as a citizen. There's no other alternative other than her departure and the goodbye that needs to be said. Will every January be like this? Will I have to say goodbye to someone again?
I am now 21. For 21 years, I have met many people, and have said goodbye to so many people. I will continue to do in my life. Friends come and go. People will walk into your life, and accompany you through a certain period, and then leave. What makes these people real is the memories you share with them. However, when you forget, what does it become?
What will happen in the future, no body knows. Will I keep in touch with this girl? Will I keep in touch with the friends I've just spent a good summer with? Maybe. Maybe not. To her, I am a big part of her whole memory of her 1 year of time in Australia. To me, she is a small part of my life here in Australia. To say she is a small part is in no way saying she is insignificant, but it's the truth. Her life (and also everyone who comes here for working holiday or holiday visa) is in Taiwan. That's the real life she lives. This is just a small chapter of her life. To me, my life is here. It's a big chapter. Her appearance is a part of a big chapter of my life. It's scary to think about it this way because if one forgets, then does it make this friendship real?
We always think of how things will be in a the future. Sometimes we are too caught up with predicting how the future will be, we forget to live in the present. So many faces come and go every day of our life, it almost seems impossible to say you'll remember 'every moment' you've spent with someone.
We all definitely take the time spent with friends for granted. Every one of these people I've met last year and gotten closer to means something to me. I've chosen to let them be a part of my life and they've also chosen to let me be a part of their life. What we need to do is cherish every moment and make every moment real.
I thank you, all my friends who's made 2012 special for me, the new friends, the old friends, the old friends that I haven't spoken to in a long time and the new friends that will come. Remember, if you judge every book by its cover, no books will be read. Same with people. If you never given them a chance, they will just be empty people in your life.
Farewell 2012.
Farewell, some friends.
We will meet again. I know it. It won't feel the same, but it will feel warm again.
-Daniel
2012年12月20日 星期四
Very Merry Christmas.
Another year has passed. Time really seems to be passing by before you can grab a hold on it. Every year, you make new new year's resolution, but do you really do it?
This is another one of those years that has just flown by so quickly. However, life always seems to come a full circle without you trying to do it. I remember at the start of this year, the anxiety, the fear, the excitement, and the hopes I had for this year.
Life is a journey and we have to find ourselves everyday. Every party comes to an end at some time. I keep telling myself to not invest so much emotions into certain events, or certain periods of time, or certain someone, or certain people, yet I constantly find myself in the same situation again. When fun times end, what's meant to come next?
It's Christmas time and certainly a very joyful occasion. This time of the year is for everyone to forgive, forget, apologise, be thankful, be open minded to new beginnings and most importantly, to have fun. My heart feels warm having so many people over. It's my first big Christmas party. I never wanted this to end. I wish this could go on forever, but it just can't. Anyhow, it was fun while it lasted.
It's the end of the year, and I have two more years to go for my degree before I step out into the real world. From time to time, I always want to exit as quickly as I can and stand on my own two feet, however the thought of it is actually very scary. A friend of mine has now graduated and will soon be in the working force soon. I wonder how much he is going to miss the life of being a student.
What's next year going to be? How am I going to improve myself even more?
Sometimes you are too busy with trying to get through life you forget to look back and evaluate your own behaviour and your current situation.
Merry Christmas and stay safe!
This is another one of those years that has just flown by so quickly. However, life always seems to come a full circle without you trying to do it. I remember at the start of this year, the anxiety, the fear, the excitement, and the hopes I had for this year.
Life is a journey and we have to find ourselves everyday. Every party comes to an end at some time. I keep telling myself to not invest so much emotions into certain events, or certain periods of time, or certain someone, or certain people, yet I constantly find myself in the same situation again. When fun times end, what's meant to come next?
It's Christmas time and certainly a very joyful occasion. This time of the year is for everyone to forgive, forget, apologise, be thankful, be open minded to new beginnings and most importantly, to have fun. My heart feels warm having so many people over. It's my first big Christmas party. I never wanted this to end. I wish this could go on forever, but it just can't. Anyhow, it was fun while it lasted.
It's the end of the year, and I have two more years to go for my degree before I step out into the real world. From time to time, I always want to exit as quickly as I can and stand on my own two feet, however the thought of it is actually very scary. A friend of mine has now graduated and will soon be in the working force soon. I wonder how much he is going to miss the life of being a student.
What's next year going to be? How am I going to improve myself even more?
Sometimes you are too busy with trying to get through life you forget to look back and evaluate your own behaviour and your current situation.
Merry Christmas and stay safe!
2012年10月26日 星期五
The Siren
It seems like this time of every year seems to fly by really quickly.
Before we finally settled in the Western world, this time used to seem to drag on FOREVER. In the Eastern world where I lived, around this time was the time where school had just returned for a month or two. Students were still settling in, and as usual, I was asked to study every day.
Since the settlement in the Western world, I cannot say it's the same. Sure as the years go on, more workload accumulate at this time. As the days go by, my birthday approaches every year. Being born at the end of the year can be both a blessing or a curse. You know your birthday will definitely land during holidays, but most people could also be gone. For me, the curse is that it's usually during examination periods. It's been this way since high school. It is still the same way in university.
However, because this period is the crazy period where intense studying needs to be done, it usually flies by so quickly. I am sure by the time I realise it, it's going to be the night of my somewhat-grand 21st birthday party. It's 3 weeks away, but it seems just around the corner. However, I'm sure if I was in March and looking into April, 3 weeks would be FOREVER away. Is it the birthday? Or is it the amount of studying one needs to focus on that changes the perception of time?
Years are starting to go by like a flash. I remember when I turned sixteen, it really was a sweet sixteen. I can barely remember the details, but I think it was a small setting with my closest friends at the time. It's interesting to see how much friends come and go. On a reality show, a woman said "Men come and go. Friends stay." I'm not sure if both love interest and friends really do stay. Throughout your life, you go through different phases. During secondary studies, you would be encountering the same group of people every day. You grow used to it, and that's why graduation is so hard to take. I still remember the morning of graduation, the feeling of happiness, but also at the same time I knew things would never ever be the same with my friends. The people I grew used to seeing every morning, every afternoon, every minute of the day will suddenly disappear. We are going to go separate ways and most of us will never cross paths again. Those that you never got to know in your various classes will just be faces you will think back and vaguely remember in 20 years time. You will think about the time you invested with someone, or certain group of people, and realise that you probably don't talk to him/her or anyone from the group. You start to think, should I have invested more time in those other vague faces that I never talked to?
I believe uni will be no different. Especially with the course I am studying. I think we are too used to each other. It won't be this way soon. We are all gonna leave, and we will grow into separate bright dentists.
The thought of turning 21 is still actually quite scary. I am still young, that I know. However, I cannot help to think: where did the last 20 years go?! I look back and realise I've learnt so much in the last 20 years, but I seem to never really learn from my mistakes properly. I make the same mistakes again, and again, and again. When you are a kid, you can only dream of being an adult. You think about the freedom that it would bring you. You think about being like your mum and dad, living with no rules, not having to go to school, not having to follow your teachers' instructions, not having to deal with nasty classmates and not having to sleep at 8pm. However, you start to realise, that little beautiful bubble you thought an adult life would be is simply not real. You don't live with no rules, you live by the rules determined by everyone around you. You don't deal with nasty classmates anymore, you deal with real life sly, conniving, manipulating evil human beings. You don't have to sleep at 8pm, but you will rarely get enough sleep ever again. You don't have homework to do anymore, but you will never find enough time to do your work, and doing your work will be a curse, because without work, you won't support yourself.
Is being an adult really all that pretty now? I think it's the same with being a student. We can only dream of leaving the school and being able to stand on our own two feet. However, once we leave, will we have a backbone again?
With the birthday so near in the future, I wonder what the me in 10 years will look back to this entry and say. I doubt I will be purer than I am now, because obviously I am no longer as pure as I was when I was a kid, but I can only hope I don't go to the deep end and become a crazy psycho.
Every birthday now seems like an alarm, a siren, reminding you that the clock is ticking. Time is running out. These are the youthful days my friends. To all those who read my blog - which I know isn't many - remember how blessed you are.
Happy examination period.
Oh and closing note, I find that end of year babies have a much more festive heart than those born in the middle of the year. End of the year is all about celebration. The closing of a year, welcoming of a new year, time of forgiveness and time for renewal. Christmas just can't come soon enough!
-Daniel
Before we finally settled in the Western world, this time used to seem to drag on FOREVER. In the Eastern world where I lived, around this time was the time where school had just returned for a month or two. Students were still settling in, and as usual, I was asked to study every day.
Since the settlement in the Western world, I cannot say it's the same. Sure as the years go on, more workload accumulate at this time. As the days go by, my birthday approaches every year. Being born at the end of the year can be both a blessing or a curse. You know your birthday will definitely land during holidays, but most people could also be gone. For me, the curse is that it's usually during examination periods. It's been this way since high school. It is still the same way in university.
However, because this period is the crazy period where intense studying needs to be done, it usually flies by so quickly. I am sure by the time I realise it, it's going to be the night of my somewhat-grand 21st birthday party. It's 3 weeks away, but it seems just around the corner. However, I'm sure if I was in March and looking into April, 3 weeks would be FOREVER away. Is it the birthday? Or is it the amount of studying one needs to focus on that changes the perception of time?
Years are starting to go by like a flash. I remember when I turned sixteen, it really was a sweet sixteen. I can barely remember the details, but I think it was a small setting with my closest friends at the time. It's interesting to see how much friends come and go. On a reality show, a woman said "Men come and go. Friends stay." I'm not sure if both love interest and friends really do stay. Throughout your life, you go through different phases. During secondary studies, you would be encountering the same group of people every day. You grow used to it, and that's why graduation is so hard to take. I still remember the morning of graduation, the feeling of happiness, but also at the same time I knew things would never ever be the same with my friends. The people I grew used to seeing every morning, every afternoon, every minute of the day will suddenly disappear. We are going to go separate ways and most of us will never cross paths again. Those that you never got to know in your various classes will just be faces you will think back and vaguely remember in 20 years time. You will think about the time you invested with someone, or certain group of people, and realise that you probably don't talk to him/her or anyone from the group. You start to think, should I have invested more time in those other vague faces that I never talked to?
I believe uni will be no different. Especially with the course I am studying. I think we are too used to each other. It won't be this way soon. We are all gonna leave, and we will grow into separate bright dentists.
The thought of turning 21 is still actually quite scary. I am still young, that I know. However, I cannot help to think: where did the last 20 years go?! I look back and realise I've learnt so much in the last 20 years, but I seem to never really learn from my mistakes properly. I make the same mistakes again, and again, and again. When you are a kid, you can only dream of being an adult. You think about the freedom that it would bring you. You think about being like your mum and dad, living with no rules, not having to go to school, not having to follow your teachers' instructions, not having to deal with nasty classmates and not having to sleep at 8pm. However, you start to realise, that little beautiful bubble you thought an adult life would be is simply not real. You don't live with no rules, you live by the rules determined by everyone around you. You don't deal with nasty classmates anymore, you deal with real life sly, conniving, manipulating evil human beings. You don't have to sleep at 8pm, but you will rarely get enough sleep ever again. You don't have homework to do anymore, but you will never find enough time to do your work, and doing your work will be a curse, because without work, you won't support yourself.
Is being an adult really all that pretty now? I think it's the same with being a student. We can only dream of leaving the school and being able to stand on our own two feet. However, once we leave, will we have a backbone again?
With the birthday so near in the future, I wonder what the me in 10 years will look back to this entry and say. I doubt I will be purer than I am now, because obviously I am no longer as pure as I was when I was a kid, but I can only hope I don't go to the deep end and become a crazy psycho.
Every birthday now seems like an alarm, a siren, reminding you that the clock is ticking. Time is running out. These are the youthful days my friends. To all those who read my blog - which I know isn't many - remember how blessed you are.
Happy examination period.
Oh and closing note, I find that end of year babies have a much more festive heart than those born in the middle of the year. End of the year is all about celebration. The closing of a year, welcoming of a new year, time of forgiveness and time for renewal. Christmas just can't come soon enough!
-Daniel
2012年10月23日 星期二
Breaking Point
The continual build up of stress recently has finally taken its toll: a near breakdown experience.
It's quite funny how this all happened.
When you've been faking for so long, do you remember what you are trying to hide?
When you work on a project for so long, do you get exhausted in the end usually? The last thing anyone needed was for the last scene to get ruined. I mean, we were all excited that we'd finally "concluded" the gathering of materials. I do have to say though, at that moment I felt emptiness. I know I no longer had to run around and no longer had to organise anything because what's left is all up to me.
Yet, who knew it would take a drastic turn just the same night.
I was furious. I was angry. I was sad. I was upset. I was stressed. I didn't need anyone clinging onto me to make them feel better when I'm already feeling miserable. Furthermore, I didn't need to find out everyone's hour of hard work has gone to the gutter. Who could I have blamed though? The me 5 years or 10 years ago would have went on a rampage and yelled at everyone. The me now realise, and KNOW, that that would solve nothing. So what if I yelled and blamed someone for this? The end product is still there, it's not going to make itself better.
I suffered a lot. Mentally, and physically I am tired. However, this has gone WAY too far for me to quit now and I don't want to be a quitter.
With that said, I really don't know where I stand with a lot of people currently. Being cordial isn't hard, but it seems like the hardest thing for certain people right now. I was so clouded by my own situation, I never ever realised all the other fallouts happening around me. I never in a million years expected to pick up my phone to call the people that I called. In this desperate time, I wanted to tell you everything... I just couldn't. I feel so much hatred, so much negativity, I'm actually scared.
If the situation doesn't get any better from here, I don't know where we are going to go. I'm sitting here, thinking about how a year ago we were so cordial, so fun, so careless and so close. Things really do change... I just hope this is not permanent. I never had any malicious intents, and more than ever, I am now seeing all my mistakes clearly. Anyway, there's no need to ramble on.
Knowing I still have projects to work on in the near future gives me a bit of hope. It is really time to do things the way it always was again.
-Daniel
It's quite funny how this all happened.
When you've been faking for so long, do you remember what you are trying to hide?
When you work on a project for so long, do you get exhausted in the end usually? The last thing anyone needed was for the last scene to get ruined. I mean, we were all excited that we'd finally "concluded" the gathering of materials. I do have to say though, at that moment I felt emptiness. I know I no longer had to run around and no longer had to organise anything because what's left is all up to me.
Yet, who knew it would take a drastic turn just the same night.
I was furious. I was angry. I was sad. I was upset. I was stressed. I didn't need anyone clinging onto me to make them feel better when I'm already feeling miserable. Furthermore, I didn't need to find out everyone's hour of hard work has gone to the gutter. Who could I have blamed though? The me 5 years or 10 years ago would have went on a rampage and yelled at everyone. The me now realise, and KNOW, that that would solve nothing. So what if I yelled and blamed someone for this? The end product is still there, it's not going to make itself better.
I suffered a lot. Mentally, and physically I am tired. However, this has gone WAY too far for me to quit now and I don't want to be a quitter.
With that said, I really don't know where I stand with a lot of people currently. Being cordial isn't hard, but it seems like the hardest thing for certain people right now. I was so clouded by my own situation, I never ever realised all the other fallouts happening around me. I never in a million years expected to pick up my phone to call the people that I called. In this desperate time, I wanted to tell you everything... I just couldn't. I feel so much hatred, so much negativity, I'm actually scared.
If the situation doesn't get any better from here, I don't know where we are going to go. I'm sitting here, thinking about how a year ago we were so cordial, so fun, so careless and so close. Things really do change... I just hope this is not permanent. I never had any malicious intents, and more than ever, I am now seeing all my mistakes clearly. Anyway, there's no need to ramble on.
Knowing I still have projects to work on in the near future gives me a bit of hope. It is really time to do things the way it always was again.
-Daniel
2012年10月11日 星期四
The Hour Hand Moves Again
The mighty hour hand moves again. However, is it moving backward or forward?
A common habit of people is to take 2 steps forward, only to take 3 steps back. When you want something simple really bad, does the situation stay simple? I've always just wanted something simple. I never see any reason for things to not happen that way. Yet, we've taken 10 steps back this time.
For months, we've been pretending things are okay. I've been running around like a manic, trying to organise everything, trying to put everything together, while putting on a face everyday. Every time I refresh myself, it only seems like I'm being slapped with the same dirty hands again.
Semester has come to an end without any of us realising how much stress we are going to be going through over the next few weeks. I can only hope I don't need to go through this same year again... I can only hope we return to the way we started this year. At the very least.
Break is a funny word. There's so many ways to interpret it. I've gone on breaks with people that are happening... still now. It'll be interesting to see where this goes.
Who was wrong? Who made a mistake?
-Daniel
A common habit of people is to take 2 steps forward, only to take 3 steps back. When you want something simple really bad, does the situation stay simple? I've always just wanted something simple. I never see any reason for things to not happen that way. Yet, we've taken 10 steps back this time.
For months, we've been pretending things are okay. I've been running around like a manic, trying to organise everything, trying to put everything together, while putting on a face everyday. Every time I refresh myself, it only seems like I'm being slapped with the same dirty hands again.
Semester has come to an end without any of us realising how much stress we are going to be going through over the next few weeks. I can only hope I don't need to go through this same year again... I can only hope we return to the way we started this year. At the very least.
Break is a funny word. There's so many ways to interpret it. I've gone on breaks with people that are happening... still now. It'll be interesting to see where this goes.
Who was wrong? Who made a mistake?
-Daniel
2012年9月15日 星期六
Remember How It Used To Be?
There was a time in my life when I thought I couldn't move on. I thought I can never move forward because the person I loved the most at that time had turned away from me. For me, I have never known any other ways to live but with that person by my side. Maybe it was the obsession of always having the person around that made the person push me away.
Somehow, I survived. I don't think about the person as much anymore, and when I do, I don't go down a spiral of sadness.
How did it happen? What did I do exactly to get over the situation?
How do you accept that the person you love the most in this world will never ever love you back? It is so hard to let go, yet at the same time you must.
Be glad that you have the capability to love though. I have never ever in my life thought I can love someone this much. It's almost a sick twisted love if you want to put it that way. It's when you want the person so badly, you don't care what you become. If I have to be sick with you, I will. If I have to get down on my knees for you, I will. The feeling is strong, too strong that it makes you blind and deaf from other good thing in your life.
Right now I'm wondering what my life was like before you walked in. What the hell did I do? How did I get through the days? Sometimes you can make someone the centre of your life that you forget this is YOUR own life that you're living and you need not place anyone in the centre but yourself. What did I do in those days again? What did I used to do when I wake up? Did I stare at my phone hoping for a call? A text? How did I go to places? These answers are still unclear to me.
It's hard to let go. It really is. When you start to think about how much fun you had and all the great times you've spent with the person, it really sets you back. You just really have to realize that what happened has happened and NOTHING can change that or take that away. If you went somewhere special, then you went somewhere special. It's a fact. Nothing can change that. So be glad that you were able to go somewhere special, or do something together.
It just sucks sometimes. You wish everything would go your way. You wish the person you love would love you back. Everything just seems so perfect, but it just wouldn't happen your way.
I want to share everything with you. I want you to know all about me. I want you to have all of me. I want you to take my heart as yours to break. I want you to do whatever you want to me. It's sick isn't it? Knowing I'm willing to sacrifice it all, but you won't take any of it, is somewhat eating me up.
Let this love remain unanswered. Let this seed remain in the soil and let it never sprout.
What isnt' meant to be isn't meant to be right? It's so much easier said than done.
Daniel
Somehow, I survived. I don't think about the person as much anymore, and when I do, I don't go down a spiral of sadness.
How did it happen? What did I do exactly to get over the situation?
How do you accept that the person you love the most in this world will never ever love you back? It is so hard to let go, yet at the same time you must.
Be glad that you have the capability to love though. I have never ever in my life thought I can love someone this much. It's almost a sick twisted love if you want to put it that way. It's when you want the person so badly, you don't care what you become. If I have to be sick with you, I will. If I have to get down on my knees for you, I will. The feeling is strong, too strong that it makes you blind and deaf from other good thing in your life.
Right now I'm wondering what my life was like before you walked in. What the hell did I do? How did I get through the days? Sometimes you can make someone the centre of your life that you forget this is YOUR own life that you're living and you need not place anyone in the centre but yourself. What did I do in those days again? What did I used to do when I wake up? Did I stare at my phone hoping for a call? A text? How did I go to places? These answers are still unclear to me.
It's hard to let go. It really is. When you start to think about how much fun you had and all the great times you've spent with the person, it really sets you back. You just really have to realize that what happened has happened and NOTHING can change that or take that away. If you went somewhere special, then you went somewhere special. It's a fact. Nothing can change that. So be glad that you were able to go somewhere special, or do something together.
It just sucks sometimes. You wish everything would go your way. You wish the person you love would love you back. Everything just seems so perfect, but it just wouldn't happen your way.
I want to share everything with you. I want you to know all about me. I want you to have all of me. I want you to take my heart as yours to break. I want you to do whatever you want to me. It's sick isn't it? Knowing I'm willing to sacrifice it all, but you won't take any of it, is somewhat eating me up.
Let this love remain unanswered. Let this seed remain in the soil and let it never sprout.
What isnt' meant to be isn't meant to be right? It's so much easier said than done.
Daniel
2012年9月3日 星期一
The Same Difference
Choosing 1 word to describe my past few weeks: BUSY.
However, reviewing the minor details carefully again, was I that busy? Or did I just choose to fill my time with small unimportant activities rather than important issues?
The feeling of wanting to start something, but not knowing where to begin and how to begin is frustrating. However, once you take that big first step, usually there is no return. I am in the stage where there's no turning back. I like it this way though. I am going to power through till the end and show the world this amazing product I've been talking about.
Sometimes I wonder if two people with very opposite personalities can really be best or close friends. They say opposites attract, but that's talking about love right? In the situation of pure friendship, can it work out? Time changes people, so what happens when what each other's wants and needs changes? Do you stop being friends?
I have no problem with a lot of things... Most of the time. Yet, when it comes to a few people, I just can't accept that their certain actions. Yes maybe I do put people on pedestals, but when does putting people on pedestals cross the fine line of pure respect and distorted obsession? You and I are no different, the only difference is I respect you a lot more than you respect yourself, and myself. You live and learn don't you?
Another important lesson in life is: practice what you preach. Actions speak louder than words. However, sometimes, people's actions are questionable. Do you practice what you preach? If you preach too much, you actually cannot practice everything. I've always wanted to see your actions speak louder than your words, yet I seldom see that. It makes me question whether you're all talk no walk. I'm certainly not saying I always do the right thing and let my actions speak louder than words, but in the world of supportiveness, you WILL see my actions.
Becoming more involved in the studies of religions makes me puzzle a lot of the basis of religions. When someone is too caught up in their faith, do they lose their perspective in the real world? Do you ever take a step back and think if you have put an overwhelming amount of belief and faith into someone or something that you've been blind sighted by what is real and what is not? I'm not saying don't have a religion and don't believe in anything, but is there ever too much?
We all need improvements. Not just me, him and her, you do too.
-Daniel
However, reviewing the minor details carefully again, was I that busy? Or did I just choose to fill my time with small unimportant activities rather than important issues?
The feeling of wanting to start something, but not knowing where to begin and how to begin is frustrating. However, once you take that big first step, usually there is no return. I am in the stage where there's no turning back. I like it this way though. I am going to power through till the end and show the world this amazing product I've been talking about.
Sometimes I wonder if two people with very opposite personalities can really be best or close friends. They say opposites attract, but that's talking about love right? In the situation of pure friendship, can it work out? Time changes people, so what happens when what each other's wants and needs changes? Do you stop being friends?
I have no problem with a lot of things... Most of the time. Yet, when it comes to a few people, I just can't accept that their certain actions. Yes maybe I do put people on pedestals, but when does putting people on pedestals cross the fine line of pure respect and distorted obsession? You and I are no different, the only difference is I respect you a lot more than you respect yourself, and myself. You live and learn don't you?
Another important lesson in life is: practice what you preach. Actions speak louder than words. However, sometimes, people's actions are questionable. Do you practice what you preach? If you preach too much, you actually cannot practice everything. I've always wanted to see your actions speak louder than your words, yet I seldom see that. It makes me question whether you're all talk no walk. I'm certainly not saying I always do the right thing and let my actions speak louder than words, but in the world of supportiveness, you WILL see my actions.
Becoming more involved in the studies of religions makes me puzzle a lot of the basis of religions. When someone is too caught up in their faith, do they lose their perspective in the real world? Do you ever take a step back and think if you have put an overwhelming amount of belief and faith into someone or something that you've been blind sighted by what is real and what is not? I'm not saying don't have a religion and don't believe in anything, but is there ever too much?
We all need improvements. Not just me, him and her, you do too.
-Daniel
2012年8月15日 星期三
In What We Trust?
I can't for my life figure out what's going on with my life. It seems like, the more you want to take control, the less control you have.
Let's be clear about one thing. I want an iPad. However, recent events are NOT the ways I want to get my iPad. If I were to get one, I want it to be legit and I want to be proud of the way I got it.
Realization of own my sick, twisted obsession with materialistic things have brought me to a whole new level. It was a battle between moral and greed. In the end, moral won, thank God.
When did I become such a hateful person? I'm literally faithless, hopeless and happy-less. A dear friend had invited me to join a religious study group. The study group did make me feel warm and welcome, but I feel like my heart is in a far away place. Or better yet, I have an empty heart. I have become so unwilling to trust, so reluctant to care, so lazy to act and so emotionless to feel.
Security.
Daniel Hu
Let's be clear about one thing. I want an iPad. However, recent events are NOT the ways I want to get my iPad. If I were to get one, I want it to be legit and I want to be proud of the way I got it.
Realization of own my sick, twisted obsession with materialistic things have brought me to a whole new level. It was a battle between moral and greed. In the end, moral won, thank God.
When did I become such a hateful person? I'm literally faithless, hopeless and happy-less. A dear friend had invited me to join a religious study group. The study group did make me feel warm and welcome, but I feel like my heart is in a far away place. Or better yet, I have an empty heart. I have become so unwilling to trust, so reluctant to care, so lazy to act and so emotionless to feel.
Security.
Daniel Hu
2012年8月9日 星期四
Roller Coaster
Emotional roller coaster is a wild ride. You don't know when it starts, where it ends and what's waiting on the ride.
I've been on many emotional coasters, and I'm sure most people have too in their life.
Life is short, yet our job as human beings is to fill this short life with people, friends and events that will bring joy, happiness and peace of mind to ourselves. However, we all know that's not an easy job. Craziness somehow always finds its way into our lives.
Maybe for a year now, I feel like I've been on a new ride. Currently, I still don't know where I am at on this ride. It's funny how people say, when one door shuts, another opens. I've been so caught up on the doors that were closing, or had already been shut, I never gave the new ones a chance.
However, once I walked through the new door, I realise I'm already on the roller coaster with no return.
Recent weeks have been filled with a lot of ups and downs. I may not be the person everyone thinks I am, but I am not one to kick a horse when it's down. I've tried to get my point across, and I hope it's understood. I know I can be and am reliable, yet I feel like all my offerings are not needed or dismissed. Oh well, life's like that isn't it?
Sometimes I wonder where such emotions stem from.
It hurts to see what has happened. Even after discussion, I have no idea where to go. Is there any way to fix this? Is there any way to make it better?
The saddest moment is when there is an establishment that the relationship has gone to a certain state, yet the consensus is to agree to disagree. Where did our passion go? Where did my passion go?
Anyway. Workload at school is a lot less this semester and I've been way too laid back at home. New guilty pleasures have been discovered and I've drowned myself in these new pleasures. Indulging myself in the world of nonsense, I do feel relief and escape from reality. I feel like I fall into this pattern: much more hard working during first half of the year, then the enthusiasm dies.
A project is coming up and should be in production right now, yet I've been reluctant to make a start. I believe making a move is always the hardest part. It's the first step that scares most people. I should really start this though. Maybe... In a few days =). I guess there are a few things holding me back, because this project is really coming from a caring heart, yet I don't know how this will be perceived. But can one really say no to love and warmth?
A recent event has also shaken my heart. It disgusts me to think that there are people out there exploiting people's kindness. Let's hope I get away with it this time. If not, I know I'm gonna be smarter! Quoting a friend, and a song: Once bitten, twice shy.
-Daniel
I've been on many emotional coasters, and I'm sure most people have too in their life.
Life is short, yet our job as human beings is to fill this short life with people, friends and events that will bring joy, happiness and peace of mind to ourselves. However, we all know that's not an easy job. Craziness somehow always finds its way into our lives.
Maybe for a year now, I feel like I've been on a new ride. Currently, I still don't know where I am at on this ride. It's funny how people say, when one door shuts, another opens. I've been so caught up on the doors that were closing, or had already been shut, I never gave the new ones a chance.
However, once I walked through the new door, I realise I'm already on the roller coaster with no return.
Recent weeks have been filled with a lot of ups and downs. I may not be the person everyone thinks I am, but I am not one to kick a horse when it's down. I've tried to get my point across, and I hope it's understood. I know I can be and am reliable, yet I feel like all my offerings are not needed or dismissed. Oh well, life's like that isn't it?
Sometimes I wonder where such emotions stem from.
It hurts to see what has happened. Even after discussion, I have no idea where to go. Is there any way to fix this? Is there any way to make it better?
The saddest moment is when there is an establishment that the relationship has gone to a certain state, yet the consensus is to agree to disagree. Where did our passion go? Where did my passion go?
Anyway. Workload at school is a lot less this semester and I've been way too laid back at home. New guilty pleasures have been discovered and I've drowned myself in these new pleasures. Indulging myself in the world of nonsense, I do feel relief and escape from reality. I feel like I fall into this pattern: much more hard working during first half of the year, then the enthusiasm dies.
A project is coming up and should be in production right now, yet I've been reluctant to make a start. I believe making a move is always the hardest part. It's the first step that scares most people. I should really start this though. Maybe... In a few days =). I guess there are a few things holding me back, because this project is really coming from a caring heart, yet I don't know how this will be perceived. But can one really say no to love and warmth?
A recent event has also shaken my heart. It disgusts me to think that there are people out there exploiting people's kindness. Let's hope I get away with it this time. If not, I know I'm gonna be smarter! Quoting a friend, and a song: Once bitten, twice shy.
-Daniel
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