Breaking Point

The continual build up of stress recently has finally taken its toll: a near breakdown experience.

It's quite funny how this all happened.

When you've been faking for so long, do you remember what you are trying to hide?

When you work on a project for so long, do you get exhausted in the end usually? The last thing anyone needed was for the last scene to get ruined. I mean, we were all excited that we'd finally "concluded" the gathering of materials. I do have to say though, at that moment I felt emptiness. I know I no longer had to run around and no longer had to organise anything because what's left is all up to me.

Yet, who knew it would take a drastic turn just the same night.

I was furious. I was angry. I was sad. I was upset. I was stressed. I didn't need anyone clinging onto me to make them feel better when I'm already feeling miserable. Furthermore, I didn't need to find out everyone's hour of hard work has gone to the gutter. Who could I have blamed though? The me 5 years or 10 years ago would have went on a rampage and yelled at everyone. The me now realise, and KNOW, that that would solve nothing. So what if I yelled and blamed someone for this? The end product is still there, it's not going to make itself better.

I suffered a lot. Mentally, and physically I am tired. However, this has gone WAY too far for me to quit now and I don't want to be a quitter.

With that said, I really don't know where I stand with a lot of people currently. Being cordial isn't hard, but it seems like the hardest thing for certain people right now. I was so clouded by my own situation, I never ever realised all the other fallouts happening around me. I never in a million years expected to pick up my phone to call the people that I called. In this desperate time, I wanted to tell you everything... I just couldn't. I feel so much hatred, so much negativity, I'm actually scared.

If the situation doesn't get any better from here, I don't know where we are going to go. I'm sitting here, thinking about how a year ago we were so cordial, so fun, so careless and so close. Things really do change... I just hope this is not permanent. I never had any malicious intents, and more than ever, I am now seeing all my mistakes clearly. Anyway, there's no need to ramble on.

Knowing I still have projects to work on in the near future gives me a bit of hope. It is really time to do things the way it always was again.

-Daniel