Another year has passed. Time really seems to be passing by before you can grab a hold on it. Every year, you make new new year's resolution, but do you really do it?
This is another one of those years that has just flown by so quickly. However, life always seems to come a full circle without you trying to do it. I remember at the start of this year, the anxiety, the fear, the excitement, and the hopes I had for this year.
Life is a journey and we have to find ourselves everyday. Every party comes to an end at some time. I keep telling myself to not invest so much emotions into certain events, or certain periods of time, or certain someone, or certain people, yet I constantly find myself in the same situation again. When fun times end, what's meant to come next?
It's Christmas time and certainly a very joyful occasion. This time of the year is for everyone to forgive, forget, apologise, be thankful, be open minded to new beginnings and most importantly, to have fun. My heart feels warm having so many people over. It's my first big Christmas party. I never wanted this to end. I wish this could go on forever, but it just can't. Anyhow, it was fun while it lasted.
It's the end of the year, and I have two more years to go for my degree before I step out into the real world. From time to time, I always want to exit as quickly as I can and stand on my own two feet, however the thought of it is actually very scary. A friend of mine has now graduated and will soon be in the working force soon. I wonder how much he is going to miss the life of being a student.
What's next year going to be? How am I going to improve myself even more?
Sometimes you are too busy with trying to get through life you forget to look back and evaluate your own behaviour and your current situation.
Merry Christmas and stay safe!
2012年12月20日 星期四
2012年10月26日 星期五
The Siren
It seems like this time of every year seems to fly by really quickly.
Before we finally settled in the Western world, this time used to seem to drag on FOREVER. In the Eastern world where I lived, around this time was the time where school had just returned for a month or two. Students were still settling in, and as usual, I was asked to study every day.
Since the settlement in the Western world, I cannot say it's the same. Sure as the years go on, more workload accumulate at this time. As the days go by, my birthday approaches every year. Being born at the end of the year can be both a blessing or a curse. You know your birthday will definitely land during holidays, but most people could also be gone. For me, the curse is that it's usually during examination periods. It's been this way since high school. It is still the same way in university.
However, because this period is the crazy period where intense studying needs to be done, it usually flies by so quickly. I am sure by the time I realise it, it's going to be the night of my somewhat-grand 21st birthday party. It's 3 weeks away, but it seems just around the corner. However, I'm sure if I was in March and looking into April, 3 weeks would be FOREVER away. Is it the birthday? Or is it the amount of studying one needs to focus on that changes the perception of time?
Years are starting to go by like a flash. I remember when I turned sixteen, it really was a sweet sixteen. I can barely remember the details, but I think it was a small setting with my closest friends at the time. It's interesting to see how much friends come and go. On a reality show, a woman said "Men come and go. Friends stay." I'm not sure if both love interest and friends really do stay. Throughout your life, you go through different phases. During secondary studies, you would be encountering the same group of people every day. You grow used to it, and that's why graduation is so hard to take. I still remember the morning of graduation, the feeling of happiness, but also at the same time I knew things would never ever be the same with my friends. The people I grew used to seeing every morning, every afternoon, every minute of the day will suddenly disappear. We are going to go separate ways and most of us will never cross paths again. Those that you never got to know in your various classes will just be faces you will think back and vaguely remember in 20 years time. You will think about the time you invested with someone, or certain group of people, and realise that you probably don't talk to him/her or anyone from the group. You start to think, should I have invested more time in those other vague faces that I never talked to?
I believe uni will be no different. Especially with the course I am studying. I think we are too used to each other. It won't be this way soon. We are all gonna leave, and we will grow into separate bright dentists.
The thought of turning 21 is still actually quite scary. I am still young, that I know. However, I cannot help to think: where did the last 20 years go?! I look back and realise I've learnt so much in the last 20 years, but I seem to never really learn from my mistakes properly. I make the same mistakes again, and again, and again. When you are a kid, you can only dream of being an adult. You think about the freedom that it would bring you. You think about being like your mum and dad, living with no rules, not having to go to school, not having to follow your teachers' instructions, not having to deal with nasty classmates and not having to sleep at 8pm. However, you start to realise, that little beautiful bubble you thought an adult life would be is simply not real. You don't live with no rules, you live by the rules determined by everyone around you. You don't deal with nasty classmates anymore, you deal with real life sly, conniving, manipulating evil human beings. You don't have to sleep at 8pm, but you will rarely get enough sleep ever again. You don't have homework to do anymore, but you will never find enough time to do your work, and doing your work will be a curse, because without work, you won't support yourself.
Is being an adult really all that pretty now? I think it's the same with being a student. We can only dream of leaving the school and being able to stand on our own two feet. However, once we leave, will we have a backbone again?
With the birthday so near in the future, I wonder what the me in 10 years will look back to this entry and say. I doubt I will be purer than I am now, because obviously I am no longer as pure as I was when I was a kid, but I can only hope I don't go to the deep end and become a crazy psycho.
Every birthday now seems like an alarm, a siren, reminding you that the clock is ticking. Time is running out. These are the youthful days my friends. To all those who read my blog - which I know isn't many - remember how blessed you are.
Happy examination period.
Oh and closing note, I find that end of year babies have a much more festive heart than those born in the middle of the year. End of the year is all about celebration. The closing of a year, welcoming of a new year, time of forgiveness and time for renewal. Christmas just can't come soon enough!
-Daniel
Before we finally settled in the Western world, this time used to seem to drag on FOREVER. In the Eastern world where I lived, around this time was the time where school had just returned for a month or two. Students were still settling in, and as usual, I was asked to study every day.
Since the settlement in the Western world, I cannot say it's the same. Sure as the years go on, more workload accumulate at this time. As the days go by, my birthday approaches every year. Being born at the end of the year can be both a blessing or a curse. You know your birthday will definitely land during holidays, but most people could also be gone. For me, the curse is that it's usually during examination periods. It's been this way since high school. It is still the same way in university.
However, because this period is the crazy period where intense studying needs to be done, it usually flies by so quickly. I am sure by the time I realise it, it's going to be the night of my somewhat-grand 21st birthday party. It's 3 weeks away, but it seems just around the corner. However, I'm sure if I was in March and looking into April, 3 weeks would be FOREVER away. Is it the birthday? Or is it the amount of studying one needs to focus on that changes the perception of time?
Years are starting to go by like a flash. I remember when I turned sixteen, it really was a sweet sixteen. I can barely remember the details, but I think it was a small setting with my closest friends at the time. It's interesting to see how much friends come and go. On a reality show, a woman said "Men come and go. Friends stay." I'm not sure if both love interest and friends really do stay. Throughout your life, you go through different phases. During secondary studies, you would be encountering the same group of people every day. You grow used to it, and that's why graduation is so hard to take. I still remember the morning of graduation, the feeling of happiness, but also at the same time I knew things would never ever be the same with my friends. The people I grew used to seeing every morning, every afternoon, every minute of the day will suddenly disappear. We are going to go separate ways and most of us will never cross paths again. Those that you never got to know in your various classes will just be faces you will think back and vaguely remember in 20 years time. You will think about the time you invested with someone, or certain group of people, and realise that you probably don't talk to him/her or anyone from the group. You start to think, should I have invested more time in those other vague faces that I never talked to?
I believe uni will be no different. Especially with the course I am studying. I think we are too used to each other. It won't be this way soon. We are all gonna leave, and we will grow into separate bright dentists.
The thought of turning 21 is still actually quite scary. I am still young, that I know. However, I cannot help to think: where did the last 20 years go?! I look back and realise I've learnt so much in the last 20 years, but I seem to never really learn from my mistakes properly. I make the same mistakes again, and again, and again. When you are a kid, you can only dream of being an adult. You think about the freedom that it would bring you. You think about being like your mum and dad, living with no rules, not having to go to school, not having to follow your teachers' instructions, not having to deal with nasty classmates and not having to sleep at 8pm. However, you start to realise, that little beautiful bubble you thought an adult life would be is simply not real. You don't live with no rules, you live by the rules determined by everyone around you. You don't deal with nasty classmates anymore, you deal with real life sly, conniving, manipulating evil human beings. You don't have to sleep at 8pm, but you will rarely get enough sleep ever again. You don't have homework to do anymore, but you will never find enough time to do your work, and doing your work will be a curse, because without work, you won't support yourself.
Is being an adult really all that pretty now? I think it's the same with being a student. We can only dream of leaving the school and being able to stand on our own two feet. However, once we leave, will we have a backbone again?
With the birthday so near in the future, I wonder what the me in 10 years will look back to this entry and say. I doubt I will be purer than I am now, because obviously I am no longer as pure as I was when I was a kid, but I can only hope I don't go to the deep end and become a crazy psycho.
Every birthday now seems like an alarm, a siren, reminding you that the clock is ticking. Time is running out. These are the youthful days my friends. To all those who read my blog - which I know isn't many - remember how blessed you are.
Happy examination period.
Oh and closing note, I find that end of year babies have a much more festive heart than those born in the middle of the year. End of the year is all about celebration. The closing of a year, welcoming of a new year, time of forgiveness and time for renewal. Christmas just can't come soon enough!
-Daniel
2012年10月23日 星期二
Breaking Point
The continual build up of stress recently has finally taken its toll: a near breakdown experience.
It's quite funny how this all happened.
When you've been faking for so long, do you remember what you are trying to hide?
When you work on a project for so long, do you get exhausted in the end usually? The last thing anyone needed was for the last scene to get ruined. I mean, we were all excited that we'd finally "concluded" the gathering of materials. I do have to say though, at that moment I felt emptiness. I know I no longer had to run around and no longer had to organise anything because what's left is all up to me.
Yet, who knew it would take a drastic turn just the same night.
I was furious. I was angry. I was sad. I was upset. I was stressed. I didn't need anyone clinging onto me to make them feel better when I'm already feeling miserable. Furthermore, I didn't need to find out everyone's hour of hard work has gone to the gutter. Who could I have blamed though? The me 5 years or 10 years ago would have went on a rampage and yelled at everyone. The me now realise, and KNOW, that that would solve nothing. So what if I yelled and blamed someone for this? The end product is still there, it's not going to make itself better.
I suffered a lot. Mentally, and physically I am tired. However, this has gone WAY too far for me to quit now and I don't want to be a quitter.
With that said, I really don't know where I stand with a lot of people currently. Being cordial isn't hard, but it seems like the hardest thing for certain people right now. I was so clouded by my own situation, I never ever realised all the other fallouts happening around me. I never in a million years expected to pick up my phone to call the people that I called. In this desperate time, I wanted to tell you everything... I just couldn't. I feel so much hatred, so much negativity, I'm actually scared.
If the situation doesn't get any better from here, I don't know where we are going to go. I'm sitting here, thinking about how a year ago we were so cordial, so fun, so careless and so close. Things really do change... I just hope this is not permanent. I never had any malicious intents, and more than ever, I am now seeing all my mistakes clearly. Anyway, there's no need to ramble on.
Knowing I still have projects to work on in the near future gives me a bit of hope. It is really time to do things the way it always was again.
-Daniel
It's quite funny how this all happened.
When you've been faking for so long, do you remember what you are trying to hide?
When you work on a project for so long, do you get exhausted in the end usually? The last thing anyone needed was for the last scene to get ruined. I mean, we were all excited that we'd finally "concluded" the gathering of materials. I do have to say though, at that moment I felt emptiness. I know I no longer had to run around and no longer had to organise anything because what's left is all up to me.
Yet, who knew it would take a drastic turn just the same night.
I was furious. I was angry. I was sad. I was upset. I was stressed. I didn't need anyone clinging onto me to make them feel better when I'm already feeling miserable. Furthermore, I didn't need to find out everyone's hour of hard work has gone to the gutter. Who could I have blamed though? The me 5 years or 10 years ago would have went on a rampage and yelled at everyone. The me now realise, and KNOW, that that would solve nothing. So what if I yelled and blamed someone for this? The end product is still there, it's not going to make itself better.
I suffered a lot. Mentally, and physically I am tired. However, this has gone WAY too far for me to quit now and I don't want to be a quitter.
With that said, I really don't know where I stand with a lot of people currently. Being cordial isn't hard, but it seems like the hardest thing for certain people right now. I was so clouded by my own situation, I never ever realised all the other fallouts happening around me. I never in a million years expected to pick up my phone to call the people that I called. In this desperate time, I wanted to tell you everything... I just couldn't. I feel so much hatred, so much negativity, I'm actually scared.
If the situation doesn't get any better from here, I don't know where we are going to go. I'm sitting here, thinking about how a year ago we were so cordial, so fun, so careless and so close. Things really do change... I just hope this is not permanent. I never had any malicious intents, and more than ever, I am now seeing all my mistakes clearly. Anyway, there's no need to ramble on.
Knowing I still have projects to work on in the near future gives me a bit of hope. It is really time to do things the way it always was again.
-Daniel
2012年10月11日 星期四
The Hour Hand Moves Again
The mighty hour hand moves again. However, is it moving backward or forward?
A common habit of people is to take 2 steps forward, only to take 3 steps back. When you want something simple really bad, does the situation stay simple? I've always just wanted something simple. I never see any reason for things to not happen that way. Yet, we've taken 10 steps back this time.
For months, we've been pretending things are okay. I've been running around like a manic, trying to organise everything, trying to put everything together, while putting on a face everyday. Every time I refresh myself, it only seems like I'm being slapped with the same dirty hands again.
Semester has come to an end without any of us realising how much stress we are going to be going through over the next few weeks. I can only hope I don't need to go through this same year again... I can only hope we return to the way we started this year. At the very least.
Break is a funny word. There's so many ways to interpret it. I've gone on breaks with people that are happening... still now. It'll be interesting to see where this goes.
Who was wrong? Who made a mistake?
-Daniel
A common habit of people is to take 2 steps forward, only to take 3 steps back. When you want something simple really bad, does the situation stay simple? I've always just wanted something simple. I never see any reason for things to not happen that way. Yet, we've taken 10 steps back this time.
For months, we've been pretending things are okay. I've been running around like a manic, trying to organise everything, trying to put everything together, while putting on a face everyday. Every time I refresh myself, it only seems like I'm being slapped with the same dirty hands again.
Semester has come to an end without any of us realising how much stress we are going to be going through over the next few weeks. I can only hope I don't need to go through this same year again... I can only hope we return to the way we started this year. At the very least.
Break is a funny word. There's so many ways to interpret it. I've gone on breaks with people that are happening... still now. It'll be interesting to see where this goes.
Who was wrong? Who made a mistake?
-Daniel
2012年9月15日 星期六
Remember How It Used To Be?
There was a time in my life when I thought I couldn't move on. I thought I can never move forward because the person I loved the most at that time had turned away from me. For me, I have never known any other ways to live but with that person by my side. Maybe it was the obsession of always having the person around that made the person push me away.
Somehow, I survived. I don't think about the person as much anymore, and when I do, I don't go down a spiral of sadness.
How did it happen? What did I do exactly to get over the situation?
How do you accept that the person you love the most in this world will never ever love you back? It is so hard to let go, yet at the same time you must.
Be glad that you have the capability to love though. I have never ever in my life thought I can love someone this much. It's almost a sick twisted love if you want to put it that way. It's when you want the person so badly, you don't care what you become. If I have to be sick with you, I will. If I have to get down on my knees for you, I will. The feeling is strong, too strong that it makes you blind and deaf from other good thing in your life.
Right now I'm wondering what my life was like before you walked in. What the hell did I do? How did I get through the days? Sometimes you can make someone the centre of your life that you forget this is YOUR own life that you're living and you need not place anyone in the centre but yourself. What did I do in those days again? What did I used to do when I wake up? Did I stare at my phone hoping for a call? A text? How did I go to places? These answers are still unclear to me.
It's hard to let go. It really is. When you start to think about how much fun you had and all the great times you've spent with the person, it really sets you back. You just really have to realize that what happened has happened and NOTHING can change that or take that away. If you went somewhere special, then you went somewhere special. It's a fact. Nothing can change that. So be glad that you were able to go somewhere special, or do something together.
It just sucks sometimes. You wish everything would go your way. You wish the person you love would love you back. Everything just seems so perfect, but it just wouldn't happen your way.
I want to share everything with you. I want you to know all about me. I want you to have all of me. I want you to take my heart as yours to break. I want you to do whatever you want to me. It's sick isn't it? Knowing I'm willing to sacrifice it all, but you won't take any of it, is somewhat eating me up.
Let this love remain unanswered. Let this seed remain in the soil and let it never sprout.
What isnt' meant to be isn't meant to be right? It's so much easier said than done.
Daniel
Somehow, I survived. I don't think about the person as much anymore, and when I do, I don't go down a spiral of sadness.
How did it happen? What did I do exactly to get over the situation?
How do you accept that the person you love the most in this world will never ever love you back? It is so hard to let go, yet at the same time you must.
Be glad that you have the capability to love though. I have never ever in my life thought I can love someone this much. It's almost a sick twisted love if you want to put it that way. It's when you want the person so badly, you don't care what you become. If I have to be sick with you, I will. If I have to get down on my knees for you, I will. The feeling is strong, too strong that it makes you blind and deaf from other good thing in your life.
Right now I'm wondering what my life was like before you walked in. What the hell did I do? How did I get through the days? Sometimes you can make someone the centre of your life that you forget this is YOUR own life that you're living and you need not place anyone in the centre but yourself. What did I do in those days again? What did I used to do when I wake up? Did I stare at my phone hoping for a call? A text? How did I go to places? These answers are still unclear to me.
It's hard to let go. It really is. When you start to think about how much fun you had and all the great times you've spent with the person, it really sets you back. You just really have to realize that what happened has happened and NOTHING can change that or take that away. If you went somewhere special, then you went somewhere special. It's a fact. Nothing can change that. So be glad that you were able to go somewhere special, or do something together.
It just sucks sometimes. You wish everything would go your way. You wish the person you love would love you back. Everything just seems so perfect, but it just wouldn't happen your way.
I want to share everything with you. I want you to know all about me. I want you to have all of me. I want you to take my heart as yours to break. I want you to do whatever you want to me. It's sick isn't it? Knowing I'm willing to sacrifice it all, but you won't take any of it, is somewhat eating me up.
Let this love remain unanswered. Let this seed remain in the soil and let it never sprout.
What isnt' meant to be isn't meant to be right? It's so much easier said than done.
Daniel
2012年9月3日 星期一
The Same Difference
Choosing 1 word to describe my past few weeks: BUSY.
However, reviewing the minor details carefully again, was I that busy? Or did I just choose to fill my time with small unimportant activities rather than important issues?
The feeling of wanting to start something, but not knowing where to begin and how to begin is frustrating. However, once you take that big first step, usually there is no return. I am in the stage where there's no turning back. I like it this way though. I am going to power through till the end and show the world this amazing product I've been talking about.
Sometimes I wonder if two people with very opposite personalities can really be best or close friends. They say opposites attract, but that's talking about love right? In the situation of pure friendship, can it work out? Time changes people, so what happens when what each other's wants and needs changes? Do you stop being friends?
I have no problem with a lot of things... Most of the time. Yet, when it comes to a few people, I just can't accept that their certain actions. Yes maybe I do put people on pedestals, but when does putting people on pedestals cross the fine line of pure respect and distorted obsession? You and I are no different, the only difference is I respect you a lot more than you respect yourself, and myself. You live and learn don't you?
Another important lesson in life is: practice what you preach. Actions speak louder than words. However, sometimes, people's actions are questionable. Do you practice what you preach? If you preach too much, you actually cannot practice everything. I've always wanted to see your actions speak louder than your words, yet I seldom see that. It makes me question whether you're all talk no walk. I'm certainly not saying I always do the right thing and let my actions speak louder than words, but in the world of supportiveness, you WILL see my actions.
Becoming more involved in the studies of religions makes me puzzle a lot of the basis of religions. When someone is too caught up in their faith, do they lose their perspective in the real world? Do you ever take a step back and think if you have put an overwhelming amount of belief and faith into someone or something that you've been blind sighted by what is real and what is not? I'm not saying don't have a religion and don't believe in anything, but is there ever too much?
We all need improvements. Not just me, him and her, you do too.
-Daniel
However, reviewing the minor details carefully again, was I that busy? Or did I just choose to fill my time with small unimportant activities rather than important issues?
The feeling of wanting to start something, but not knowing where to begin and how to begin is frustrating. However, once you take that big first step, usually there is no return. I am in the stage where there's no turning back. I like it this way though. I am going to power through till the end and show the world this amazing product I've been talking about.
Sometimes I wonder if two people with very opposite personalities can really be best or close friends. They say opposites attract, but that's talking about love right? In the situation of pure friendship, can it work out? Time changes people, so what happens when what each other's wants and needs changes? Do you stop being friends?
I have no problem with a lot of things... Most of the time. Yet, when it comes to a few people, I just can't accept that their certain actions. Yes maybe I do put people on pedestals, but when does putting people on pedestals cross the fine line of pure respect and distorted obsession? You and I are no different, the only difference is I respect you a lot more than you respect yourself, and myself. You live and learn don't you?
Another important lesson in life is: practice what you preach. Actions speak louder than words. However, sometimes, people's actions are questionable. Do you practice what you preach? If you preach too much, you actually cannot practice everything. I've always wanted to see your actions speak louder than your words, yet I seldom see that. It makes me question whether you're all talk no walk. I'm certainly not saying I always do the right thing and let my actions speak louder than words, but in the world of supportiveness, you WILL see my actions.
Becoming more involved in the studies of religions makes me puzzle a lot of the basis of religions. When someone is too caught up in their faith, do they lose their perspective in the real world? Do you ever take a step back and think if you have put an overwhelming amount of belief and faith into someone or something that you've been blind sighted by what is real and what is not? I'm not saying don't have a religion and don't believe in anything, but is there ever too much?
We all need improvements. Not just me, him and her, you do too.
-Daniel
2012年8月15日 星期三
In What We Trust?
I can't for my life figure out what's going on with my life. It seems like, the more you want to take control, the less control you have.
Let's be clear about one thing. I want an iPad. However, recent events are NOT the ways I want to get my iPad. If I were to get one, I want it to be legit and I want to be proud of the way I got it.
Realization of own my sick, twisted obsession with materialistic things have brought me to a whole new level. It was a battle between moral and greed. In the end, moral won, thank God.
When did I become such a hateful person? I'm literally faithless, hopeless and happy-less. A dear friend had invited me to join a religious study group. The study group did make me feel warm and welcome, but I feel like my heart is in a far away place. Or better yet, I have an empty heart. I have become so unwilling to trust, so reluctant to care, so lazy to act and so emotionless to feel.
Security.
Daniel Hu
Let's be clear about one thing. I want an iPad. However, recent events are NOT the ways I want to get my iPad. If I were to get one, I want it to be legit and I want to be proud of the way I got it.
Realization of own my sick, twisted obsession with materialistic things have brought me to a whole new level. It was a battle between moral and greed. In the end, moral won, thank God.
When did I become such a hateful person? I'm literally faithless, hopeless and happy-less. A dear friend had invited me to join a religious study group. The study group did make me feel warm and welcome, but I feel like my heart is in a far away place. Or better yet, I have an empty heart. I have become so unwilling to trust, so reluctant to care, so lazy to act and so emotionless to feel.
Security.
Daniel Hu
2012年8月9日 星期四
Roller Coaster
Emotional roller coaster is a wild ride. You don't know when it starts, where it ends and what's waiting on the ride.
I've been on many emotional coasters, and I'm sure most people have too in their life.
Life is short, yet our job as human beings is to fill this short life with people, friends and events that will bring joy, happiness and peace of mind to ourselves. However, we all know that's not an easy job. Craziness somehow always finds its way into our lives.
Maybe for a year now, I feel like I've been on a new ride. Currently, I still don't know where I am at on this ride. It's funny how people say, when one door shuts, another opens. I've been so caught up on the doors that were closing, or had already been shut, I never gave the new ones a chance.
However, once I walked through the new door, I realise I'm already on the roller coaster with no return.
Recent weeks have been filled with a lot of ups and downs. I may not be the person everyone thinks I am, but I am not one to kick a horse when it's down. I've tried to get my point across, and I hope it's understood. I know I can be and am reliable, yet I feel like all my offerings are not needed or dismissed. Oh well, life's like that isn't it?
Sometimes I wonder where such emotions stem from.
It hurts to see what has happened. Even after discussion, I have no idea where to go. Is there any way to fix this? Is there any way to make it better?
The saddest moment is when there is an establishment that the relationship has gone to a certain state, yet the consensus is to agree to disagree. Where did our passion go? Where did my passion go?
Anyway. Workload at school is a lot less this semester and I've been way too laid back at home. New guilty pleasures have been discovered and I've drowned myself in these new pleasures. Indulging myself in the world of nonsense, I do feel relief and escape from reality. I feel like I fall into this pattern: much more hard working during first half of the year, then the enthusiasm dies.
A project is coming up and should be in production right now, yet I've been reluctant to make a start. I believe making a move is always the hardest part. It's the first step that scares most people. I should really start this though. Maybe... In a few days =). I guess there are a few things holding me back, because this project is really coming from a caring heart, yet I don't know how this will be perceived. But can one really say no to love and warmth?
A recent event has also shaken my heart. It disgusts me to think that there are people out there exploiting people's kindness. Let's hope I get away with it this time. If not, I know I'm gonna be smarter! Quoting a friend, and a song: Once bitten, twice shy.
-Daniel
I've been on many emotional coasters, and I'm sure most people have too in their life.
Life is short, yet our job as human beings is to fill this short life with people, friends and events that will bring joy, happiness and peace of mind to ourselves. However, we all know that's not an easy job. Craziness somehow always finds its way into our lives.
Maybe for a year now, I feel like I've been on a new ride. Currently, I still don't know where I am at on this ride. It's funny how people say, when one door shuts, another opens. I've been so caught up on the doors that were closing, or had already been shut, I never gave the new ones a chance.
However, once I walked through the new door, I realise I'm already on the roller coaster with no return.
Recent weeks have been filled with a lot of ups and downs. I may not be the person everyone thinks I am, but I am not one to kick a horse when it's down. I've tried to get my point across, and I hope it's understood. I know I can be and am reliable, yet I feel like all my offerings are not needed or dismissed. Oh well, life's like that isn't it?
Sometimes I wonder where such emotions stem from.
It hurts to see what has happened. Even after discussion, I have no idea where to go. Is there any way to fix this? Is there any way to make it better?
The saddest moment is when there is an establishment that the relationship has gone to a certain state, yet the consensus is to agree to disagree. Where did our passion go? Where did my passion go?
Anyway. Workload at school is a lot less this semester and I've been way too laid back at home. New guilty pleasures have been discovered and I've drowned myself in these new pleasures. Indulging myself in the world of nonsense, I do feel relief and escape from reality. I feel like I fall into this pattern: much more hard working during first half of the year, then the enthusiasm dies.
A project is coming up and should be in production right now, yet I've been reluctant to make a start. I believe making a move is always the hardest part. It's the first step that scares most people. I should really start this though. Maybe... In a few days =). I guess there are a few things holding me back, because this project is really coming from a caring heart, yet I don't know how this will be perceived. But can one really say no to love and warmth?
A recent event has also shaken my heart. It disgusts me to think that there are people out there exploiting people's kindness. Let's hope I get away with it this time. If not, I know I'm gonna be smarter! Quoting a friend, and a song: Once bitten, twice shy.
-Daniel
2012年7月17日 星期二
Scarlet Festival
Sometimes it's not the feeling of wanting it all that bothers you, it's just knowing that you can never really have it all part that's frustrating.
We live in a world built on lies, fuelled by hatred, mapped by illusions, and directed by fools.
We are given norms to live in, and one is condemned for ever stepping out of the norm.
Beliefs and faith go too far, as far as the need for hatred against other existing beliefs.
We try to barely cruise through every day, avoiding jobs that are not required of us.
We are blinded by the truth and we accommodate to lies to convenient ourselves.
It was never an easy task. I wanted to take the graceful road but I've turned at too many wrong corners. Sometimes I wonder, is there eternity for a sinner like me? Or like her? Or like him? Or like you?
If there's anything I ask for, it's something easy. Something that is so simple, but yet so out of reach.
So friends, let's continue on with the festival and celebrate!
-Daniel
We live in a world built on lies, fuelled by hatred, mapped by illusions, and directed by fools.
We are given norms to live in, and one is condemned for ever stepping out of the norm.
Beliefs and faith go too far, as far as the need for hatred against other existing beliefs.
We try to barely cruise through every day, avoiding jobs that are not required of us.
We are blinded by the truth and we accommodate to lies to convenient ourselves.
It was never an easy task. I wanted to take the graceful road but I've turned at too many wrong corners. Sometimes I wonder, is there eternity for a sinner like me? Or like her? Or like him? Or like you?
If there's anything I ask for, it's something easy. Something that is so simple, but yet so out of reach.
So friends, let's continue on with the festival and celebrate!
-Daniel
2012年7月13日 星期五
Super Glue, Sticky Tape and Spotlight
Time goes by so fast and it is already the end of my already shortened holidays.
The already shortened holidays feels shorter because of my 5 day trip to Melbourne - which was beyond amazing. It was a trip full of surprises, old memories, new memories and inspiration.
I've grown to get used to shortened breaks (or I want to think I have) but it really is disappointing sometimes. I know I will be back in university 2 months before everyone else next year but there's nothing I can do about it. I want to plan all these amazing trips, but whether I can go on them or not is another story. It doesn't even matter if I can't save up enough money, because if you don't have the time to go, having all the money in the world means nothing.
Before the encounter a few weeks ago, I haven't seen most people in months or maybe a year or so now. It took me by surprise the nostalgia that I felt and also the discovery of my somewhat strong left-over attachment I still have. I hated myself for it actually and I didn't want to think about it.
I have sat in my room, staring at my computer many many times, going back over things that happened in as much detail as I can remember. I realise my memory is failing me, it seems like I remember less and less but I still remember the heartbreaking and torturous feeling I had at the time. It wasn't easy to say goodbye. It wasn't easy to cut people out. It wasn't easy to come to terms with the end. It sure wasn't easy to not see the people you grew so used to seeing.
There are just things in the world that will never be fixable when they're broken. When I think about all the madness that has happened, I realise only 1 friendship survived throughout the whole hurricane... just 1 friend... That itself is pretty sad but hey, at least I kept SOMEONE (rather than no one).
Maybe I don't go to certain places now as much as I used to because I don't want to bring back old memories and relive them. Maybe I've grown out of those places. Whenever I come back to this town, I feel like some people never change. Things are still the same for them. They have the same attitude, they go to the same places, they hang out with the same people and they never grow. I'm not saying going to the same places and hanging out with the same people is a bad thing, but I know I have lost connections with these people. I guess what we want in life is different now and also the speed we proceed through life is different too.
I won't lie and say I don't get nervous when walking pass where you work. I know who is still there... I realise now: the relationship fell apart for a reason and there's probably no way to fix it. Our relationship was perfect in so many ways but it all fell apart. It has shattered like a mirror and all the super glue in the world cannot fix it anymore. The encounter, awkwardness, the rushed feeling, the quick turn away and the brushing off, I mean come on, it couldn't have be more obvious. Just one tip to self in future: spend your money wisely. In reality, I shouldn't feel anything because this is all past tense now, but to be honest, a part of me feels sad. It is upsetting to know this is what we have turned into and nothing in the world can fix this anymore.
I traded my heart for broken friendships. Is this why I put armours around me now to everyone I know?
Tears, super glue, sticky tape, whatever, just move on.
-Daniel
The already shortened holidays feels shorter because of my 5 day trip to Melbourne - which was beyond amazing. It was a trip full of surprises, old memories, new memories and inspiration.
I've grown to get used to shortened breaks (or I want to think I have) but it really is disappointing sometimes. I know I will be back in university 2 months before everyone else next year but there's nothing I can do about it. I want to plan all these amazing trips, but whether I can go on them or not is another story. It doesn't even matter if I can't save up enough money, because if you don't have the time to go, having all the money in the world means nothing.
Before the encounter a few weeks ago, I haven't seen most people in months or maybe a year or so now. It took me by surprise the nostalgia that I felt and also the discovery of my somewhat strong left-over attachment I still have. I hated myself for it actually and I didn't want to think about it.
I have sat in my room, staring at my computer many many times, going back over things that happened in as much detail as I can remember. I realise my memory is failing me, it seems like I remember less and less but I still remember the heartbreaking and torturous feeling I had at the time. It wasn't easy to say goodbye. It wasn't easy to cut people out. It wasn't easy to come to terms with the end. It sure wasn't easy to not see the people you grew so used to seeing.
There are just things in the world that will never be fixable when they're broken. When I think about all the madness that has happened, I realise only 1 friendship survived throughout the whole hurricane... just 1 friend... That itself is pretty sad but hey, at least I kept SOMEONE (rather than no one).
Maybe I don't go to certain places now as much as I used to because I don't want to bring back old memories and relive them. Maybe I've grown out of those places. Whenever I come back to this town, I feel like some people never change. Things are still the same for them. They have the same attitude, they go to the same places, they hang out with the same people and they never grow. I'm not saying going to the same places and hanging out with the same people is a bad thing, but I know I have lost connections with these people. I guess what we want in life is different now and also the speed we proceed through life is different too.
I won't lie and say I don't get nervous when walking pass where you work. I know who is still there... I realise now: the relationship fell apart for a reason and there's probably no way to fix it. Our relationship was perfect in so many ways but it all fell apart. It has shattered like a mirror and all the super glue in the world cannot fix it anymore. The encounter, awkwardness, the rushed feeling, the quick turn away and the brushing off, I mean come on, it couldn't have be more obvious. Just one tip to self in future: spend your money wisely. In reality, I shouldn't feel anything because this is all past tense now, but to be honest, a part of me feels sad. It is upsetting to know this is what we have turned into and nothing in the world can fix this anymore.
I traded my heart for broken friendships. Is this why I put armours around me now to everyone I know?
Tears, super glue, sticky tape, whatever, just move on.
-Daniel
2012年6月17日 星期日
No More Credit Left
There are things in this world that just simply cannot be described with words, painted by pictures, or explained to others.
Memory is one of them.
We went for a downward spiral into something I don't even know what it is now. At first I thought you changed a lot. Now it seems like we both have changed a lot. I really don't know what happened. Did I care too much? Did you not care enough?
Where I am now is I'm at a point of pretty much not caring anymore. But why is it so painful for me to look back?
I don't want to not care. That's simply not me, yet I believe it's the best thing for me to do.
Anyway.
So I took a look at the memory bank account today. There's so much in there... Then I started to think about how it all started. How it all began. We were complete strangers. Though right now we aren't complete strangers, we've still lost that initial spontaneity. Time changes people, and it also changes relationships. Maybe this change was for the better huh?
At least I know I have some evidence of some of the great things we've done together... I really hope we can do something similar together again one day... I can only hope...
I still hold you close to me though. I think friendships change and it's no use looking back at what used to be. Just gotta keep moving. I guess we will have to make great memories some other way from now on.
Now I know what that song is talking about and why I always feel so emotional when I hear it... I'm getting older too...
-Daniel
Memory is one of them.
We went for a downward spiral into something I don't even know what it is now. At first I thought you changed a lot. Now it seems like we both have changed a lot. I really don't know what happened. Did I care too much? Did you not care enough?
Where I am now is I'm at a point of pretty much not caring anymore. But why is it so painful for me to look back?
I don't want to not care. That's simply not me, yet I believe it's the best thing for me to do.
Anyway.
So I took a look at the memory bank account today. There's so much in there... Then I started to think about how it all started. How it all began. We were complete strangers. Though right now we aren't complete strangers, we've still lost that initial spontaneity. Time changes people, and it also changes relationships. Maybe this change was for the better huh?
At least I know I have some evidence of some of the great things we've done together... I really hope we can do something similar together again one day... I can only hope...
I still hold you close to me though. I think friendships change and it's no use looking back at what used to be. Just gotta keep moving. I guess we will have to make great memories some other way from now on.
Now I know what that song is talking about and why I always feel so emotional when I hear it... I'm getting older too...
-Daniel
2012年6月7日 星期四
What the? Since when? How?
Certain human emotions are stupid but they just exist.
I've always thought certain people are childish or at least the way they think is very childish. Also the way they act out what they think is childish.
However, the shock comes when one day you realise you may be borderline doing the same thing. Or better yet, you are doing it too.
I don't want to be a hater, or a petty person, or a childish person. However, recently, a lot of things have been triggering my negativeness and I've been having thoughts and opinions that are just childish and STPUID.
I don't want to be like that... I don't even know where this came from! I thought everything was cool, but is it really?
Is it the stress? Or have I simply just changed? Or have you changed?
I don't know what it is, but I don't like myself like this. At least I've come to a realisation I'm doing it. Some people don't even know how fxcking dumb they look eh?
-Daniel
I've always thought certain people are childish or at least the way they think is very childish. Also the way they act out what they think is childish.
However, the shock comes when one day you realise you may be borderline doing the same thing. Or better yet, you are doing it too.
I don't want to be a hater, or a petty person, or a childish person. However, recently, a lot of things have been triggering my negativeness and I've been having thoughts and opinions that are just childish and STPUID.
I don't want to be like that... I don't even know where this came from! I thought everything was cool, but is it really?
Is it the stress? Or have I simply just changed? Or have you changed?
I don't know what it is, but I don't like myself like this. At least I've come to a realisation I'm doing it. Some people don't even know how fxcking dumb they look eh?
-Daniel
2012年5月28日 星期一
Are we all lost?
Sometimes life is so busy and moving forward so fast you don't even have time to stop and reflect on everything.
Maybe we are all at that point in life right now. Maybe most of us will feel that way one day. Maybe a few of us will never understand the feeling.
Things have happened so fast, I've completely lost my feelings for a lot of things. Whatever happened between us is just the past now. I'm trying to focus on now, except I've lost a bit of direction. I know I'll find that direction back, but I want to thank you for the lessons you've taught me.
Now. It's hard to really know who you are, what kind of person you really are, what you really want in life, or if you are really happy. You start to kind of realise who your real friends are, and who just want to call you when there's a party. You are at a place you never thought you'd be at except you have to accept that you are there. But you think to yourself, do I really belong here? What am I doing here? This isn't where I envisioned myself to be 10 years ago. You wonder if whatever you're doing in life is really what you want to do.
I've been waiting for something. However, that something is also unknown to me. Are you out there? Is it out there?
I may be lost as well, but I know a lot of the people around me are feeling the same. We are all lost kids trying to find our way around this big dangerous world.
Maybe we are all at that point in life right now. Maybe most of us will feel that way one day. Maybe a few of us will never understand the feeling.
Things have happened so fast, I've completely lost my feelings for a lot of things. Whatever happened between us is just the past now. I'm trying to focus on now, except I've lost a bit of direction. I know I'll find that direction back, but I want to thank you for the lessons you've taught me.
Now. It's hard to really know who you are, what kind of person you really are, what you really want in life, or if you are really happy. You start to kind of realise who your real friends are, and who just want to call you when there's a party. You are at a place you never thought you'd be at except you have to accept that you are there. But you think to yourself, do I really belong here? What am I doing here? This isn't where I envisioned myself to be 10 years ago. You wonder if whatever you're doing in life is really what you want to do.
I've been waiting for something. However, that something is also unknown to me. Are you out there? Is it out there?
I may be lost as well, but I know a lot of the people around me are feeling the same. We are all lost kids trying to find our way around this big dangerous world.
2012年2月21日 星期二
A day to start, never a day to end
It takes a day to start a relationship with someone. A day to ask them out, a day for them to reply, a day to believe you'll be together forever. It also takes a day to end a relationship. However, it never takes a day to end your feelings for someone.
You can think about someone for so long. You can never really forget someone who was ever once your life.
You can end a relationship but never end your feelings. However, if you don't try, you will never succeed.
A clean cut doesn't mean feelings just go away. An unclear breakup also doesn't mean the pain eases.
Either way, it took a day for her to fall in love. It took forever for her to forget. She thought she could forget her, but she never did.
She told her she loved her. But she left her in the end...
Will it ever be done? Could you ever? Could I ever? Could she ever?
Leave the rest to time.
-Daniel
You can think about someone for so long. You can never really forget someone who was ever once your life.
You can end a relationship but never end your feelings. However, if you don't try, you will never succeed.
A clean cut doesn't mean feelings just go away. An unclear breakup also doesn't mean the pain eases.
Either way, it took a day for her to fall in love. It took forever for her to forget. She thought she could forget her, but she never did.
She told her she loved her. But she left her in the end...
Will it ever be done? Could you ever? Could I ever? Could she ever?
Leave the rest to time.
-Daniel
2012年1月9日 星期一
No, you don't really understand.
Sometimes when people try to empathise with you, they would say 'Yeah, I understand' but sadly this isn't always true.
Their empathy is muchly appreciated but it really is hard to fully understand how someone feels, especially in a hard situation.
With that said, it is hard for people to know exactly how each other feels about something because their experience and perception on a matter would be different.
You'll never know how this feels. Not until you put yourself in my shoes. or not until you go through what I'm going through or went through. However, I'm still thankful.
Side note:
You may not always get what you want, but I think it's more important to get what you need than what you want.
Goal for the new year: only purchase things that I truly really NEED rather than want.
-Daniel
Their empathy is muchly appreciated but it really is hard to fully understand how someone feels, especially in a hard situation.
With that said, it is hard for people to know exactly how each other feels about something because their experience and perception on a matter would be different.
You'll never know how this feels. Not until you put yourself in my shoes. or not until you go through what I'm going through or went through. However, I'm still thankful.
Side note:
You may not always get what you want, but I think it's more important to get what you need than what you want.
Goal for the new year: only purchase things that I truly really NEED rather than want.
-Daniel
2012年1月3日 星期二
That day will come
You can have someone involved with you for everything. You can do everything with one person. You can fill your room with photos or anything related to that person. You can basically make someone your life.
Just be aware. The day will come when you lose the person.
You may think you have the whole world at your feet right now but that day will come for you or for anyone.
That's exactly you right now. You think you have everything. You think you're better than everyone. You think you can say whatever you want. Just you wait.
Anyhow, you are not better than everyone. You can't just say whatever you want. You can think highly of yourself, but people will see through you one day. One day everyone will see pass those fake smile, fake innocence and fake face. All I can say is, good luck to you =).
-Daniel
Just be aware. The day will come when you lose the person.
You may think you have the whole world at your feet right now but that day will come for you or for anyone.
That's exactly you right now. You think you have everything. You think you're better than everyone. You think you can say whatever you want. Just you wait.
Anyhow, you are not better than everyone. You can't just say whatever you want. You can think highly of yourself, but people will see through you one day. One day everyone will see pass those fake smile, fake innocence and fake face. All I can say is, good luck to you =).
-Daniel
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