Super Glue, Sticky Tape and Spotlight

Time goes by so fast and it is already the end of my already shortened holidays.

The already shortened holidays feels shorter because of my 5 day trip to Melbourne - which was beyond amazing. It was a trip full of surprises, old memories, new memories and inspiration.

I've grown to get used to shortened breaks (or I want to think I have) but it really is disappointing sometimes. I know I will be back in university 2 months before everyone else next year but there's nothing I can do about it. I want to plan all these amazing trips, but whether I can go on them or not is another story. It doesn't even matter if I can't save up enough money, because if you don't have the time to go, having all the money in the world means nothing.

Before the encounter a few weeks ago, I haven't seen most people in months or maybe a year or so now. It took me by surprise the nostalgia that I felt and also the discovery of my somewhat strong left-over attachment I still have. I hated myself for it actually and I didn't want to think about it.

I have sat in my room, staring at my computer many many times, going back over things that happened in as much detail as I can remember. I realise my memory is failing me, it seems like I remember less and less but I still remember the heartbreaking and torturous feeling I had at the time. It wasn't easy to say goodbye. It wasn't easy to cut people out. It wasn't easy to come to terms with the end. It sure wasn't easy to not see the people you grew so used to seeing.

There are just things in the world that will never be fixable when they're broken. When I think about all the madness that has happened, I realise only 1 friendship survived throughout the whole hurricane... just 1 friend... That itself is pretty sad but hey, at least I kept SOMEONE (rather than no one).

Maybe I don't go to certain places now as much as I used to because I don't want to bring back old memories and relive them. Maybe I've grown out of those places. Whenever I come back to this town, I feel like some people never change. Things are still the same for them. They have the same attitude, they go to the same places, they hang out with the same people and they never grow. I'm not saying going to the same places and hanging out with the same people is a bad thing, but I know I have lost connections with these people. I guess what we want in life is different now and also the speed we proceed through life is different too.

I won't lie and say I don't get nervous when walking pass where you work. I know who is still there... I realise now: the relationship fell apart for a reason and there's probably no way to fix it. Our relationship was perfect in so many ways but it all fell apart. It has shattered like a mirror and all the super glue in the world cannot fix it anymore. The encounter, awkwardness, the rushed feeling, the quick turn away and the brushing off, I mean come on, it couldn't have be more obvious. Just one tip to self in future: spend your money wisely. In reality, I shouldn't feel anything because this is all past tense now, but to be honest, a part of me feels sad. It is upsetting to know this is what we have turned into and nothing in the world can fix this anymore.

I traded my heart for broken friendships. Is this why I put armours around me now to everyone I know?

Tears, super glue, sticky tape, whatever, just move on.

-Daniel