Innocence, childhood, relativity and reality.

As parents, you always want to protect your precious children from the evil, the harm, and the ugliness of the world. As a child, you have the innocence, the curiosity, the desire for more knowledge. You dream of the things you're going to do when you grow up, and the great things you will accomplish. You spend endless nights thinking what kind of future is waiting for you. You enjoy little things such as being able to eat sweets, and you enjoy little moments, such as simply going on a see-saw or a swing.

Have we all lost a sense of this innocence? The world is a dangerous, and almost unforgiving place. We go through puberty, we mature, we become adults, and yet most of us aren't even ready when we step into reality. However, when is the proper time to step into reality? For some of us, it may be never. We are so sheltered by the illusion created by our family, or our surrounding, we never see the true light. For some of us, we step into it unwillingly.

Truth is often stranger than fiction.

-Ddaniel

Family, Friends, and Farewell.

A new year has begun!

This year is going to be an exciting year because I will be tackling pretty much every aspect of dentistry from now on. I am super nervous, yet super excited and optimistic. However, I know this optimism won't last very long. Soon I will be beaten by the stress and busyness and I won't be able to breathe again.

The last few days have been very good with the recent accident being settled, welcoming the new year, and realising what's really important to me.

I've moved away from home for three years now. At first I hated it. I wanted to come home as much as possible and stay away from that accommodation as much as possible. Some time passed, then I became very used to it. I enjoyed the freedom of being alone. I enjoyed being by myself. It's funny because it's not even by myself, I have other housemates in the house too! The frequency of returning home to Brisbane became less and less. One month ago, I hated being back 'home' because I didn't feel at home. I feel like I was just stuck in a place where I have no freedom. I am used to being alone. I am used to washing my own dishes. I am used to cooking for myself. I am used to doing everything myself (or not do everything), and returning home makes me feel like a guest and feel restricted as well.

I've lost that family loving side of me for sure. I've taken my family for granted, thinking they'd always be here. However, I have slowly come to realise that's not the case. How many years will I really spend with them? Shouldn't the time I spend with them now be treasured? In 2 years time I will start to work. Will I still be at home? Will I move out? In 20, or 30 years time, are my parents and grandparent still going to be healthy? I don't want to regret when the time comes. I have been trying to make the most out of it lately, and I am slowly making progress.

Your parents raise you to be a certain way, but once a child enters the real world, they start to morph into the real 'him/her'. It's not that the child doesn't like your teaching, it's just the child isn't just a robot. I've become so different to what my family traditions dictate one should be, sometimes I feel like an outcast. I grew up in a Western culture and I've become very accustomed to it. I still have the Eastern side of me, however, some of the things that happen regularly at 'home' I just cannot agree with.

One of the most amazing type of love in this world is the love for your family. Recently I've rediscovered that in a different way. I've lost that sense of belonging in a family. For a short while last night, I felt like a part of the family too. I felt like that little boy I was 10 years ago again. The one who was loved and protected by everyone. It's not that I don't enjoy being loved and protected, I just don't need the same kind of love and protection. Your family should always be the first to put you on a pedestal and treat you like the king of the world. At least my family does that. My father is never one to be good with words, however his actions have spoken a lot over the last few years. I can tell he is proud of me and my brother and how far we've come from a family that's not perfect. He gives me all the freedom I need, and rarely complains about how little time I spend at home with family, or just with him, yet I know he secretly enjoys every moment spent with me. He's never really approached me to talk deeply or connect on any levels, yet he's treasured the little information and things I've given him. This love cannot be replaced by anything else in this world. With that, I hope I can return to the simple boy I used to be. Less hate, more love. It is family after all.


Now people often say, you are born with a family, but your friends are the family you choose to have around you. It is January 2013 now. I have met many new people last year and I feel privileged to have gotten to know all of them. Being born and raised in this country, I have never ever lived more than 6 months in another country other than Taiwan, where I am originally from. I do not know what it feels like to live in a place for a year and then having to leave. Just a year ago, around this time, I met a couple who was here for working holiday from Taiwan and I met them just at New Years Eve, then I had to quickly say goodbye to them in a few weeks. For me, I was sad but not devastated. Last year, I also met another person through a friend. Soon she will return (next week in fact). I feel sorrow, I feel sadness, because I don't want to ever say goodbye to anyone. Saying goodbye is as if you will never see the person again. However, is there any other way? That's how this world works. You can't stay in another country forever doing nothing unless you have earned your right as a citizen. There's no other alternative other than her departure and the goodbye that needs to be said. Will every January be like this? Will I have to say goodbye to someone again?

I am now 21. For 21 years, I have met many people, and have said goodbye to so many people. I will continue to do in my life. Friends come and go. People will walk into your life, and accompany you through a certain period, and then leave. What makes these people real is the memories you share with them. However, when you forget, what does it become?

What will happen in the future, no body knows. Will I keep in touch with this girl? Will I keep in touch with the friends I've just spent a good summer with? Maybe. Maybe not. To her, I am a big part of her whole memory of her 1 year of time in Australia. To me, she is a small part of my life here in Australia. To say she is a small part is in no way saying she is insignificant, but it's the truth. Her life (and also everyone who comes here for working holiday or holiday visa) is in Taiwan. That's the real life she lives. This is just a small chapter of her life. To me, my life is here. It's a big chapter. Her appearance is a part of a big chapter of my life. It's scary to think about it this way because if one forgets, then does it make this friendship real?

We always think of how things will be in a the future. Sometimes we are too caught up with predicting how the future will be, we forget to live in the present. So many faces come and go every day of our life, it almost seems impossible to say you'll remember 'every moment' you've spent with someone.

We all definitely take the time spent with friends for granted. Every one of these people I've met last year and gotten closer to means something to me. I've chosen to let them be a part of my life and they've also chosen to let me be a part of their life. What we need to do is cherish every moment and make every moment real.

I thank you, all my friends who's made 2012 special for me, the new friends, the old friends, the old friends that I haven't spoken to in a long time and the new friends that will come. Remember, if you judge every book by its cover, no books will be read. Same with people. If you never given them a chance, they will just be empty people in your life.

Farewell 2012.

Farewell, some friends.

We will meet again. I know it. It won't feel the same, but it will feel warm again.

-Daniel

Very Merry Christmas.

Another year has passed. Time really seems to be passing by before you can grab a hold on it. Every year, you make new new year's resolution, but do you really do it?

This is another one of those years that has just flown by so quickly. However, life always seems to come a full circle without you trying to do it. I remember at the start of this year, the anxiety, the fear, the excitement, and the hopes I had for this year.

Life is a journey and we have to find ourselves everyday. Every party comes to an end at some time. I keep telling myself to not invest so much emotions into certain events, or certain periods of time, or certain someone, or certain people, yet I constantly find myself in the same situation again. When fun times end, what's meant to come next?

It's Christmas time and certainly a very joyful occasion. This time of the year is for everyone to forgive, forget, apologise, be thankful, be open minded to new beginnings and most importantly, to have fun. My heart feels warm having so many people over. It's my first big Christmas party. I never wanted this to end. I wish this could go on forever, but it just can't. Anyhow, it was fun while it lasted.

It's the end of the year, and I have two more years to go for my degree before I step out into the real world. From time to time, I always want to exit as quickly as I can and stand on my own two feet, however the thought of it is actually very scary. A friend of mine has now graduated and will soon be in the working force soon. I wonder how much he is going to miss the life of being a student.

What's next year going to be? How am I going to improve myself even more?

Sometimes you are too busy with trying to get through life you forget to look back and evaluate your own behaviour and your current situation.

Merry Christmas and stay safe!

The Siren

It seems like this time of every year seems to fly by really quickly.

Before we finally settled in the Western world, this time used to seem to drag on FOREVER. In the Eastern world where I lived, around this time was the time where school had just returned for a month or two. Students were still settling in, and as usual, I was asked to study every day.

Since the settlement in the Western world, I cannot say it's the same. Sure as the years go on, more workload accumulate at this time. As the days go by, my birthday approaches every year. Being born at the end of the year can be both a blessing or a curse. You know your birthday will definitely land during holidays, but most people could also be gone. For me, the curse is that it's usually during examination periods. It's been this way since high school. It is still the same way in university.

However, because this period is the crazy period where intense studying needs to be done, it usually flies by so quickly. I am sure by the time I realise it, it's going to be the night of my somewhat-grand 21st birthday party. It's 3 weeks away, but it seems just around the corner. However, I'm sure if I was in March and looking into April, 3 weeks would be FOREVER away. Is it the birthday? Or is it the amount of studying one needs to focus on that changes the perception of time?

Years are starting to go by like a flash. I remember when I turned sixteen, it really was a sweet sixteen. I can barely remember the details, but I think it was a small setting with my closest friends at the time. It's interesting to see how much friends come and go. On a reality show, a woman said "Men come and go. Friends stay." I'm not sure if both love interest and friends really do stay. Throughout your life, you go through different phases. During secondary studies, you would be encountering the same group of people every day. You grow used to it, and that's why graduation is so hard to take. I still remember the morning of graduation, the feeling of happiness, but also at the same time I knew things would never ever be the same with my friends. The people I grew used to seeing every morning, every afternoon, every minute of the day will suddenly disappear. We are going to go separate ways and most of us will never cross paths again. Those that you never got to know in your various classes will just be faces you will think back and vaguely remember in 20 years time. You will think about the time you invested with someone, or certain group of people, and realise that you probably don't talk to him/her or anyone from the group. You start to think, should I have invested more time in those other vague faces that I never talked to?

I believe uni will be no different. Especially with the course I am studying. I think we are too used to each other. It won't be this way soon. We are all gonna leave, and we will grow into separate bright dentists.

The thought of turning 21 is still actually quite scary. I am still young, that I know. However, I cannot help to think: where did the last 20 years go?! I look back and realise I've learnt so much in the last 20 years, but I seem to never really learn from my mistakes properly. I make the same mistakes again, and again, and again. When you are a kid, you can only dream of being an adult. You think about the freedom that it would bring you. You think about being like your mum and dad, living with no rules, not having to go to school, not having to follow your teachers' instructions, not having to deal with nasty classmates and not having to sleep at 8pm. However, you start to realise, that little beautiful bubble you thought an adult life would be is simply not real. You don't live with no rules, you live by the rules determined by everyone around you. You don't deal with nasty classmates anymore, you deal with real life sly, conniving, manipulating evil human beings. You don't have to sleep at 8pm, but you will rarely get enough sleep ever again. You don't have homework to do anymore, but you will never find enough time to do your work, and doing your work will be a curse, because without work, you won't support yourself.

Is being an adult really all that pretty now? I think it's the same with being a student. We can only dream of leaving the school and being able to stand on our own two feet. However, once we leave, will we have a backbone again?

With the birthday so near in the future, I wonder what the me in 10 years will look back to this entry and say. I doubt I will be purer than I am now, because obviously I am no longer as pure as I was when I was a kid, but I can only hope I don't go to the deep end and become a crazy psycho.

Every birthday now seems like an alarm, a siren, reminding you that the clock is ticking. Time is running out. These are the youthful days my friends. To all those who read my blog - which I know isn't many - remember how blessed you are.

Happy examination period.

Oh and closing note, I find that end of year babies have a much more festive heart than those born in the middle of the year. End of the year is all about celebration. The closing of a year, welcoming of a new year, time of forgiveness and time for renewal. Christmas just can't come soon enough!

-Daniel

Breaking Point

The continual build up of stress recently has finally taken its toll: a near breakdown experience.

It's quite funny how this all happened.

When you've been faking for so long, do you remember what you are trying to hide?

When you work on a project for so long, do you get exhausted in the end usually? The last thing anyone needed was for the last scene to get ruined. I mean, we were all excited that we'd finally "concluded" the gathering of materials. I do have to say though, at that moment I felt emptiness. I know I no longer had to run around and no longer had to organise anything because what's left is all up to me.

Yet, who knew it would take a drastic turn just the same night.

I was furious. I was angry. I was sad. I was upset. I was stressed. I didn't need anyone clinging onto me to make them feel better when I'm already feeling miserable. Furthermore, I didn't need to find out everyone's hour of hard work has gone to the gutter. Who could I have blamed though? The me 5 years or 10 years ago would have went on a rampage and yelled at everyone. The me now realise, and KNOW, that that would solve nothing. So what if I yelled and blamed someone for this? The end product is still there, it's not going to make itself better.

I suffered a lot. Mentally, and physically I am tired. However, this has gone WAY too far for me to quit now and I don't want to be a quitter.

With that said, I really don't know where I stand with a lot of people currently. Being cordial isn't hard, but it seems like the hardest thing for certain people right now. I was so clouded by my own situation, I never ever realised all the other fallouts happening around me. I never in a million years expected to pick up my phone to call the people that I called. In this desperate time, I wanted to tell you everything... I just couldn't. I feel so much hatred, so much negativity, I'm actually scared.

If the situation doesn't get any better from here, I don't know where we are going to go. I'm sitting here, thinking about how a year ago we were so cordial, so fun, so careless and so close. Things really do change... I just hope this is not permanent. I never had any malicious intents, and more than ever, I am now seeing all my mistakes clearly. Anyway, there's no need to ramble on.

Knowing I still have projects to work on in the near future gives me a bit of hope. It is really time to do things the way it always was again.

-Daniel

The Hour Hand Moves Again

The mighty hour hand moves again. However, is it moving backward or forward?

A common habit of people is to take 2 steps forward, only to take 3 steps back. When you want something simple really bad, does the situation stay simple? I've always just wanted something simple. I never see any reason for things to not happen that way. Yet, we've taken 10 steps back this time.

For months, we've been pretending things are okay. I've been running around like a manic, trying to organise everything, trying to put everything together, while putting on a face everyday. Every time I refresh myself, it only seems like I'm being slapped with the same dirty hands again.

Semester has come to an end without any of us realising how much stress we are going to be going through over the next few weeks. I can only hope I don't need to go through this same year again... I can only hope we return to the way we started this year. At the very least.

Break is a funny word. There's so many ways to interpret it. I've gone on breaks with people that are happening... still now. It'll be interesting to see where this goes.

Who was wrong? Who made a mistake?

-Daniel

Remember How It Used To Be?

There was a time in my life when I thought I couldn't move on. I thought I can never move forward because the person I loved the most at that time had turned away from me. For me, I have never known any other ways to live but with that person by my side. Maybe it was the obsession of always having the person around that made the person push me away.

Somehow, I survived. I don't think about the person as much anymore, and when I do, I don't go down a spiral of sadness.

How did it happen? What did I do exactly to get over the situation?

How do you accept that the person you love the most in this world will never ever love you back? It is so hard to let go, yet at the same time you must.

Be glad that you have the capability to love though. I have never ever in my life thought I can love someone this much. It's almost a sick twisted love if you want to put it that way. It's when you want the person so badly, you don't care what you become. If I have to be sick with you, I will. If I have to get down on my knees for you, I will. The feeling is strong, too strong that it makes you blind and deaf from other good thing in your life.

Right now I'm wondering what my life was like before you walked in. What the hell did I do? How did I get through the days? Sometimes you can make someone the centre of your life that you forget this is YOUR own life that you're living and you need not place anyone in the centre but yourself. What did I do in those days again? What did I used to do when I wake up? Did I stare at my phone hoping for a call? A text? How did I go to places? These answers are still unclear to me.

It's hard to let go. It really is. When you start to think about how much fun you had and all the great times you've spent with the person, it really sets you back. You just really have to realize that what happened has happened and NOTHING can change that or take that away. If you went somewhere special, then you went somewhere special. It's a fact. Nothing can change that. So be glad that you were able to go somewhere special, or do something together.

It just sucks sometimes. You wish everything would go your way. You wish the person you love would love you back. Everything just seems so perfect, but it just wouldn't happen your way. 

I want to share everything with you. I want you to know all about me. I want you to have all of me. I want you to take my heart as yours to break. I want you to do whatever you want to me. It's sick isn't it? Knowing I'm willing to sacrifice it all, but you won't take any of it, is somewhat eating me up.

Let this love remain unanswered. Let this seed remain in the soil and let it never sprout.

What isnt' meant to be isn't meant to be right? It's so much easier said than done.

Daniel