Previously On...

I almost forgot I had this blog. It's actually been nearly a year since I've posted on here. It's not that I haven't been writing or documenting, I've simply diverted my attention to other outlets. A more personal journal is kept, and hopefully will never be exposed. A new space has been designed to record contents which are more relevant to my life.

Life has been good. 2014 went by like an arrow. I graduated. Now I'm soon to start work.

I had extreme anxiety over December and early January over searching for a job. Looking back, it really wasn't that bad and I am actually starting to get sad my 'holiday' is about to end. It's always funny how we always want what we can't have.

Recently I finally had enough courage to cut out the most toxic person in my life. It was at least 8 months of torture. Self-inflicted for the most of it. Now that I welcome another source of worry into my life, I only have myself to blame when my mind starts racing.

More and more I understand myself. More and more I feel my values and beliefs grow. I'm fed up with living in a lie and living a life that's built on lies. This is all very fragile, and I know it will break any time soon. Expectations can hurt people, and mostly, it can really hurt yourself.

As I await the start of my professional life, I am once again navigating the rough waters of dating and relationships.

- Daniel

Never Good Enough?

Being caught between two cultures is definitely not an easy issue to deal with. I have been battling this for as long as I can remember. Growing up in a Western world and having to balance my Eastern heritage has always been an arduous task. I've tried to welcome it but sometimes it just gets too much.

I am a conventional but untraditional Asian Australian. I pride myself in retaining my Eastern heritage while growing up in this Western civilization. I've adopted many views from both cultures and I am a mixture of the two.

I get so very frustrated when my family tries to enforce their very traditional values onto me. It is simply unfair. However I also do understand where these values and opinions come from. However, when unjust comments are made, that is when I draw the line.

I don't think you took a hard look in the mirror have you? Do any of us do that actually? I am being bombarded by requests to do certain things because it is 'normal' in the Asian culture, but really, who defines normal? Recent words of my dear family members have traveled to my ears and I am hurt more than ever before.

Let me start by saying this. I am the best son you can ever ask for. I really am. I am not being arrogant but I know this myself. I don't like to play the blame game or play the victim, but if you're not going to watch what you're going to say or if you're going to push your values onto me, I will go there.

We all make choices in our life and our choices will inevitably affect those around us. I grew up in an unconventional Asian family. We supposedly take marriage seriously and divorce is a taboo in the culture. Guess what I went through though! That's right! Throughout this whole process, I've adopted the Western view where I treated it as if it was no biggie and never uttered a word of how I felt inside or how eaten up I was. I never forgave myself really, come to think of it now. I never forgave either of you either! I've just kept these feelings bottled up inside, deep down, somewhere deep inside. Now all this anger is making it resurface. I am slowly finding what you say recently the most ludicrous thing I have heard in a long time. Have you ever thought what you did to me? Have you ever thought of the effect of the childhood I went through? Why do you think I am the way I am now?

Let me just clarify a few things. You should be proud and stop fucking worrying. Why? Here's why.

Throughout all the mess. I have:

1. Come out the other end better than what you could EVER ask for.

2. Been a good son all along

3. Achieved the best I can and always have done the best I could.

4. Never ever once fallen to the dark side

5. Never ever hung out with the wrong people and taken drugs or joined gangs.

6. Never ever openly blame you or show you how broken and torn I am inside

7. Always walked in a straight line and never argued against you guys.

What more do you fucking want? I have been so independent and strong despite all the hell you have put me through. I know it will hurt you to know how broken I am inside so I hide it. I mask it. I put up this front. I try to always show the world how strong and happy I am and how this never affected me in no way. I did this not only for me but for you too. Do you even have any fucking idea?

All the bullshit I hear from you both lately is incredulous. Yes, it is your opinions and belief but how can people be so fucking narrow minded?

I am no longer your caged animal. I am no longer going to hold these feelings back. If you want to see the ugly me, I am happy to show you this disgustingly broken boy inside of me. If nothing I do is good enough, I will repay you with the same attitude.

We can start this today.

-Daniel

Here's Our Kodak Moment

As my final year passes by, my outlooks are becoming different. Emotions are unstable - happy days, exhausted days and depressed days seem to rotate throughout the week. We can never truly appreciate the things we have until we lose them - and this is the same with the people around you. My week in the hospital made me realise how much I want to work in a hospital and the irrational side of me came out and made a statement saying that I will not miss anyone in the cohort. This changed tonight. Seeing all these faces again has brought back so many memories. We aren’t just ‘classmates’. We survived all the past 4 years together. There are much more ups and downs.

Being my age - still very young - and being at where I am now is an interesting thing to witness and experience tonight. As a final year and senior student, you look at things differently. I may not have time to party every night, but I do make time to relax when I can. My career will involve me being sharp, alert and ready to go. I can’t afford to lose my senses. The students who are years below me are full of energy to party and mind you a lot of them are actually older than me. Have I simply lost that fun side of me?

Recently I am also discovering the mess I’ve made myself to be over the years. It isn’t just an overnight process. This has been going on for a long time. You push yourself into thinking you want something, then when you nearly have it you get scared and let go. I’ve always thought I was one to commit into a relationship yet recent events make me doubt this.

Our Kodak moment is coming my peers. We’ve made it this far and we just have another few months to go. I am sure this year will just fly by once again and before you know it we will all be walking up to that stage receiving our degree and our title of ‘Dr’. What happened to the last 5 years?! What really really really really happened? I really want to know. All I know is, I am preparing myself for the real world. For the, excuse the corny word, bright future ahead. As I count down the days I have left in this hell, I wonder… When did things change so much?

Chile. Argentina. Christmas.

After spending a Christmas in Taiwan and a few Christmas in Taiwan, never would I ever have thought I would be spending a Christmas in South America!

Yes, my dream is to spend a Christmas in America, but by that I mean United States. Possibly NYC. I guess I can write 'Spend Christmas in South America' on my bucket list and cross if off straight away!

Some people say everything happens for a reason. I don't always believe in this but this trip has made me very appreciative of my previous travel to South America. My previous trip had a 24 hour delay in Santiago de Chile. My friends and I subsequently walked around the city during the day and we were able to see snippets of this city. After that little quick tour, I decided I would like to come back and really explore it again. This visit to Santiago has forever made me fallen in love with the city. Santiago such an amazing city. It is well organized, yet you can see a very diverse and evidently very much divided by class. Chileans are not very friendly. They are very cold. Yet they are steamy in the parks - much because there isn't such a pressure to move out once you are over 18. Food here is great. Fruits here are cheap. It's simply an amazing city.

Buenos Aires, though, was much more disappointing. I think because I had a much higher expectation for this city, and my expectation was not met. My mother raved about this city. She said it was a city famous for many many things and they'd spent a great deal of time during high school reading about this city. Sure it is famous for being the origin of tango, but much of this has become a part of tourism. It's not that I don't like touristy things, I just cannot take it in large quantity. Our visit to La Boca was both enriching and disappointing. This area has become a popular tourist destination and has lost its original meaning and significance.

Our first day in Buenos Aires was not a good one. Something shady was going on and this left my brother and I very scared and concerned for our safety. However, everything changed over the next few days. We began to feel safer and much more secure. Buenos Aires is definitely a city worth visiting and it is full of things to do. However, Argentina as a whole is not so stable and it is evident throughout the streets and shops.

Finally, our final destination, Mendoza. Mendoza is by far my favourite city so far this trip. It is most likely because this is where I am 'based'. The wine here is superb - I am a red wine lover, and there's nowhere else to be but here to drink the best red wine. Most wine here are just so easy to drink and so smooth. Though much of this town has also been taken over by tourism, it still retains much of its original flavour on the streets. Siesta is still common here. I have finally gotten used to not being able to buy much or do much during 2~5. Eliminating my shirt tan has also been on my to do list and surprisingly is actually happening!

Christmas is probably one of the best time in the year. Although I come from an Asian family who doesn't really celebrate this day, I have fallen in love with this day over the years. It is just such a festive season and the endless stream of happiness during this period is phenomenal. This year I am spending it with 5 other Australian - 1 of which is my brother. It is a very different Christmas than those that I'm used to, but it is an experience. I wish more than anything else to be with my friends and family (friends more than family haha), but I'm just taking it all in. I am in South America!!!

I have no idea what has gotten into me but I just have this urge to go back to Taiwan. However, I am coming to terms with the limited possibility of going the coming year, and also the years after.

Youth is a beautiful thing but can be hard to work around.

Well. Merry Christmas from Argentina!

Feliz Navidad!

-Daniel

Doubts, Debates and Dazzling.

Tonight I had my birthday celebration with my university friends.

It was so surreal and special.

Accepting the fact that I am now ready to go into my 5th year of university study has still not sunken in for me.

I still look back to that first day in high school. My family getting super excited and taking photos in the morning. I wore my shorts super high and tucked my shirt in. Pulled that long socks up and put my hat on (who the hell puts their hat on). Remembering getting from K Block to A Block was the biggest challenge. The second day of school, there was a huge rain. I had no idea how to get to A block, once again. In the heavy rain, a year 12 helped me there. We shared an umbrella, but nevertheless we were both wet. I was soaked wet. I got to class and I could not concentrate at all. I was drenched.

Fast forward, waking up the last day of high school was interesting too. I woke up and thought to myself 'this is it, this is where your life begins'.

I know that's what I'm going to feel next year too at my university graduation.

Remembering my first day at university, I was super lost. Not only did I have to come down from Brisbane to Gold Coast, I also missed the orientation day. I had no idea how university worked. I could not find any buildings. I arrived to the lecture late, and also drenched in sweat. I remember I didn't know where to sit as I really had no friends. I also remember not understanding a word at all in the biology lecture - as I have no background in biology whatsoever. The words 'mitochondria' scared the living hell out of me. Protein synthesis, cell membrane, cell wall. All I could think of was 'what the fuck?'

Fast forward now, my daily routine includes picking up a syringe that most people hate and injecting people with copious amount of local anaesthetic solution. Looking at teeth everyday and dealing with people's problems with their oral health.

5 years of high school sure go by quickly. 4 years of university has gone by quickly too. I have accomplished more than I could ever imagined. By the end of next year, it would be my 10th year of proper education (primary didn't really count!). It has been a long road hasn't it?

The celebration tonight was more than amazing. Having a group of friends that I love the most was unbelievable. However, I also had to face the sad fact that I will not see half of these people next year. Placement will be putting us in different places at all times. Suddenly I felt like I was detached from my closest friends against my will. I am pulled away by this unknown force without wanting to do it. Yet this is life isn't it? When we graduate, that's it. We will never all be in the same room together - or the occasion would be very rare. Will any of them remember this night as clear as I would?

This also begs me to question myself, what the fuck are you doing with your life right now?

Recent months have been a roller-coaster ride itself. I'm now starting to realise my stupidity and reflect on the true values of my previous actions. If you can't sort yourself out, why the fuck are you helping someone?

Sometimes the lights are too shiny and you become blinded for a second and lose your way. Maybe it's time to find that path again. Maybe letting go isn't so hard sometimes.

-Daniel

Deadlines, Dejections, and Discoveries.

It's been over 3 months since I last revisited this blog.

Life has been surreal for the last 3 months. I don't even know where to begin to record this past 3 months down in an abridged, yet detailed manner.

Let's start with my unbelievable trip to Peru.

Peru was simply stunning. Beautiful. Every part of the trip took my breath away. I did write a blog about it, but it became very draggy so I don't know if I will post it ever. It'll be in the cyberspace somewhere and I can still look back and read it in the future! I had the most amazing time with 2 of my good friends from university. I also met 6 other amazing students from all around the world. It's amazing how you meet people on certain trips and you know you are forever bonded with them that way. I will never ever forget the three lovely American girls I met, and the three lovely British friends as well. I never imagined I would be so close and have so much connection with 2 of these American girls. They are truly two special girls in my life and I owe everything to them for making my time in Trujillo so amazing.

Now Machu Picchu. I don't even know where to begin. This site was simply beyond beautiful. I did the 4 day 3 nights Inca Trail. I was certainly very anxious prior to the trail. While we were in Trujillo, we took a weekend off to Huaraz, a small town in the mountains up north full of culture. We did a one day trek, and needless to say, I died. I was inexperienced and I died. Due to this traumatic experience, I was extremely anxious about the Inca Trail. There were 6 of us on the trail, my 2 Australian companions and a British couple and a man from Netherlands. It was an amazing 4 day with these people. It was my first time not showering for longer than 2 nights and I must say, by the end of the 4 days, all of us just wanted to get back to our accommodation and shower!! Machu Picchu took my breath away for sure. The combination of the physical and mental fatigue after a 4 day 3 night trail made the site even more marvellous than it is. I remember walking towards Machu Picchu with excitement, and needed my friend to calm me down.

The South America experience was one of the best holidays of my life. When we returned home, we were all very sad. I certainly did not cope well at the beginning.

Not only were we delayed a whole day, which lead us to being a day late at school, we also moved into a new building. This building is meant to be 'State Of The Art', yet I could not appreciate it. Luckily though, I quickly snapped out of it, and began to appreciate it more. I still remember the first few weeks back at uni how we were the only ones in the building and the building was ours. Alas, a few weeks later, university timetable officially started and the building was up and running and filled with lots of students from different majors.

This semester has definitely been an interesting one. Looking back I was only working on a few cases, yet it took me a whole semester. The South America trip definitely healed my relationship with my friend. We started to mend the bridges (at least it seems like to me we did). We were slowly getting back on track. I was looking forward to our final year together, where we can possibly get closer and closer again, just like we were before. Now, I know we will never ever be the same as before, but any progress we make back towards how close we were would be better than the state we were in at the start of this year.

Not too long ago came the shocker. The school has decided to make some drastic changes to our curriculum structure, and one of the major changes is: final year students work as single operators. The plus side to this is that we get double exposure time. The downside is, we lose our partner. I think for many of us, we weren't ready to lose that partnership yet. Most of us, in our own pair, have worked so hard to build that bond and trust between us and now it's been taken away from us. However, we all must learn to adapt. Even if we were to stay in pairs, we would still separate after we graduate. This change is an attempt from the school to provide us with more experience and clinical times and I truly appreciate that. So here we are. Ending our partnership prematurely!

What's truly ending it prematurely is the fact that my partner fell sick during the 3rd last week of university. He was unable to attend Friday. I looked forward to his return, but he had called me that same Sunday telling me he isn't clear to come to university. He transferred all his planned appointments under my name and I provided care for his patients. However, he was then once again told a week later, he is not cleared to be in the clinic still. During this time, I had fell extremely sick. I lost my voice and was certainly not in the condition to attend university. But we can't have both of us not showing up! I also had to do a practical exam which was part of my assessment. I survived those 2 weeks, with a lot of support and help from friends. On the last day, I looked forward to my partner's return, but he was once again, not cleared. So here we go. We didn't even get to say goodbye properly. There certainly were a lot of emotions inside me on the last day. I was very upset. Seeing everyone having formerly thank their partner and find closure to their partnership, I felt lonely and empty.

Self discovery and improvement were also a big focus of the latter half of the year. A new blog has been started documenting a new part of my life. I have become more honest with more of my friends, and myself. I've discovered who my real friends are. I've also become closer with previous acquaintances as well. The most surprising one being a new found friendship with a caucasian male. We would describe our friendship, and as would lots of other people, as bromance. To me, it certainly was one of those unexpected friendship. With this bromance also came another friendship with his clinic partner. I've definitely discovered new support group within the university.

Sometimes life just puts new people in your life to flourish it. I have been blessed with a few new people in my life. Just as I thought life couldn't get any better…

I have been anxious over placement next year. I have heard outplacement opportunities are scarce and being a natural worry wort, I decided I will probably get the worst placement. Long story short, I pretty much got 2 of the best placements! One of which I have been dreaming of for nearly a whole semester!! The other one is another super amazing placement that I never thought I would get either.

At this point life seems to be going too good to be true. But I've learned to just take it as it is. Accept it. Enjoy it. Make the most out of it.


We are in the middle of study week. This is my form of taking a break. I am 3 weeks away from heading towards South America again. This time I am taking on Santiago de Chile, Buenos Aires and Mendoza, Argentina with my brother. It will be another once in a lifetime experience. I cannot wait to meet new people on this trip and put myself outside of my comfort zone.

Of course life hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies. However, I'm working on that. I'm working on being positive and not let negative thoughts cloud my mind.

-Daniel

Pain, Plain, and Sustain

We often like to find out things that we know will upset us. We always want the truth, even if we know it will hurt us.

You put on a strong face and you look at me as if you are ok. You tell me everything is alright, and that you've forgotten about him. You want to shed some tears, but you are afraid you can't stop. You try to smile it off, but sometimes you just don't have the energy.

I can see you are hurt. I can see you're drained. I can see you want to start over. I can see you want a second chance. But what can I really do for you?

I just can't see you like this. It actually hurts a lot for me too. But how can I avoid you? How? I will never be able to avoid this situation.

I wish you can just cry your tears out. I wish you can cry your pain away. I wish you can cry the situation away. I wish you can change the situation by crying. If only it was that easy...

You ask me if you'll ever be happy again. If you'll be able to truly smile again.

You're barely surviving. And that breaks my heart.

-Daniel