Never Good Enough?

Being caught between two cultures is definitely not an easy issue to deal with. I have been battling this for as long as I can remember. Growing up in a Western world and having to balance my Eastern heritage has always been an arduous task. I've tried to welcome it but sometimes it just gets too much.

I am a conventional but untraditional Asian Australian. I pride myself in retaining my Eastern heritage while growing up in this Western civilization. I've adopted many views from both cultures and I am a mixture of the two.

I get so very frustrated when my family tries to enforce their very traditional values onto me. It is simply unfair. However I also do understand where these values and opinions come from. However, when unjust comments are made, that is when I draw the line.

I don't think you took a hard look in the mirror have you? Do any of us do that actually? I am being bombarded by requests to do certain things because it is 'normal' in the Asian culture, but really, who defines normal? Recent words of my dear family members have traveled to my ears and I am hurt more than ever before.

Let me start by saying this. I am the best son you can ever ask for. I really am. I am not being arrogant but I know this myself. I don't like to play the blame game or play the victim, but if you're not going to watch what you're going to say or if you're going to push your values onto me, I will go there.

We all make choices in our life and our choices will inevitably affect those around us. I grew up in an unconventional Asian family. We supposedly take marriage seriously and divorce is a taboo in the culture. Guess what I went through though! That's right! Throughout this whole process, I've adopted the Western view where I treated it as if it was no biggie and never uttered a word of how I felt inside or how eaten up I was. I never forgave myself really, come to think of it now. I never forgave either of you either! I've just kept these feelings bottled up inside, deep down, somewhere deep inside. Now all this anger is making it resurface. I am slowly finding what you say recently the most ludicrous thing I have heard in a long time. Have you ever thought what you did to me? Have you ever thought of the effect of the childhood I went through? Why do you think I am the way I am now?

Let me just clarify a few things. You should be proud and stop fucking worrying. Why? Here's why.

Throughout all the mess. I have:

1. Come out the other end better than what you could EVER ask for.

2. Been a good son all along

3. Achieved the best I can and always have done the best I could.

4. Never ever once fallen to the dark side

5. Never ever hung out with the wrong people and taken drugs or joined gangs.

6. Never ever openly blame you or show you how broken and torn I am inside

7. Always walked in a straight line and never argued against you guys.

What more do you fucking want? I have been so independent and strong despite all the hell you have put me through. I know it will hurt you to know how broken I am inside so I hide it. I mask it. I put up this front. I try to always show the world how strong and happy I am and how this never affected me in no way. I did this not only for me but for you too. Do you even have any fucking idea?

All the bullshit I hear from you both lately is incredulous. Yes, it is your opinions and belief but how can people be so fucking narrow minded?

I am no longer your caged animal. I am no longer going to hold these feelings back. If you want to see the ugly me, I am happy to show you this disgustingly broken boy inside of me. If nothing I do is good enough, I will repay you with the same attitude.

We can start this today.

-Daniel

Here's Our Kodak Moment

As my final year passes by, my outlooks are becoming different. Emotions are unstable - happy days, exhausted days and depressed days seem to rotate throughout the week. We can never truly appreciate the things we have until we lose them - and this is the same with the people around you. My week in the hospital made me realise how much I want to work in a hospital and the irrational side of me came out and made a statement saying that I will not miss anyone in the cohort. This changed tonight. Seeing all these faces again has brought back so many memories. We aren’t just ‘classmates’. We survived all the past 4 years together. There are much more ups and downs.

Being my age - still very young - and being at where I am now is an interesting thing to witness and experience tonight. As a final year and senior student, you look at things differently. I may not have time to party every night, but I do make time to relax when I can. My career will involve me being sharp, alert and ready to go. I can’t afford to lose my senses. The students who are years below me are full of energy to party and mind you a lot of them are actually older than me. Have I simply lost that fun side of me?

Recently I am also discovering the mess I’ve made myself to be over the years. It isn’t just an overnight process. This has been going on for a long time. You push yourself into thinking you want something, then when you nearly have it you get scared and let go. I’ve always thought I was one to commit into a relationship yet recent events make me doubt this.

Our Kodak moment is coming my peers. We’ve made it this far and we just have another few months to go. I am sure this year will just fly by once again and before you know it we will all be walking up to that stage receiving our degree and our title of ‘Dr’. What happened to the last 5 years?! What really really really really happened? I really want to know. All I know is, I am preparing myself for the real world. For the, excuse the corny word, bright future ahead. As I count down the days I have left in this hell, I wonder… When did things change so much?